On Revelations

Yes, this is one small part of a much bigger love story for Miss Terrian. Someday you might get to see it all, but for now this can stand alone. Again, this is part of the story I've been writing over at WoTRP with the wonderful Amy.

Terrian Dy'ner Sedai

She felt strangely relaxed, comfortable even, just sitting here with him in silence. For the first time she realized that she was able to simply be around him; no one was expecting her to act as the perfect Aes Sedai, expecting her to take the weight of the world upon her shoulders. She hadn't realized how heavy a burden the shawl was until it was until it had become hers to bear. The people looked to the White Tower, and through it Aes Sedai, to be their strength in dark times and every Brother and Sister felt it, however indirectly. Now though, sitting here, it didn't seem to matter. Not as she was able to simply study Jostayn's face, his expression, as he gazed at something beyond the lighted edges of the terrace. It abruptly dawned on her just how mundane this situation was, or at least how much it would be were they not Aes Sedai and Asha'man. Then again, what difference did what they were make? They were still both just people, even with the ability to tap into the Power, there was no denying that. Still, the utter normalcy of the whole situation was what made it so abnormal. There had been an attempt on her life just mere hours before, and now she sat chatting as if it was all perfectly, well… normal! Which, of course, she had to suppose it was.

Yet, the silence that had fallen over them soon gave her those few moments when she could descend into her own thoughts; dissect her own jumbled emotions as she was apt to do given the chance. As relaxing as it was, the silence forced her to examine aspects of the things she was feeling that she would rather leave untouched. Allowing her thoughts to turn inward she was forced to pay mind to the slight fluttering feeling that had come over her the moment she had sat down as well as the ever present doubts that sprang up. Mentally, she shook herself and forced herself away from those doubts. The peaceful setting, sitting with Jostayn and not having a sharp comment on the tip of her tongue to lash out with, was just too perfect. She didn't wish to ruin it by doubting the reasons behind it and starting an argument as usually happened.

"I think…" Terrian blinked, refocusing her gaze on Jostayn when he finally broke the silence. A dim corner of her mind noticed a change in his tone, but she ignored it in favor of not analyzing everything as she would normally do. "…that it's safe to conclude at this point in time…" She frowned slightly, more confused than anything. "…that you know perfectly well what it is I feel towards you." The Aes Sedai drew in a sharp breath at that, an interesting contrast to the Asha'man's slow breathing. What he what? It was safe to conclude? How could she possibly know such a thing? He had never shown her anything but a stoic Asha'man and occasionally a man with the potential to be a close friend. In their shared experience though she had only ever seen true evidence of his desire to be friendly yet keep a professional distance between them. Except… Earlier, in the parlor, she had seen something in his eyes. A barely contained feeling she knew all too well. "And have, for a while, now. I think…" Oh Light! This was really happening, wasn't it? "…up until this point I've been trying to… to quell those feelings. But now…" His eyes met hers and she knew that if he took only a moment to look he would be able to see every thought she had writ in her eyes. "Now I think, and perhaps it is just spontaneity taking reign over me, and Light knows how much I might regret this tomorrow – but… now I think that…"

If he was going to say it, couldn't he just spit it out already instead of leaving her in such suspense?

"That it might be irrational in every way to say right now that I have strong feelings for you, but for once in my life, and especially not at this point, I just don't want to be rational." Some part of Terrian wanted her to pinch herself, just to be sure she wasn't dreaming. It was a small part though, compared to the part of her that had no idea exactly how to react. Bringing a hand to her mouth, she held Jostayn's gaze until her own indecision was too much to bear and she closed her eyes. Dear Creator, she had waited so long to hear that from him, but in the back of her mind she knew it wasn't the right time. She wasn't even going to be in Cairhien that much longer, for one! They were leaving and it could be years before she even saw Tar Valon, let alone Cairhien, again. Then there was the fact that, without wanting to admit it, she knew she wasn't ready.

Leaning forward, she rested her elbows on the table and let her forehead rest on her clasped hands as she thought, her eyes still closed. "Light help us both." She said softly, a touch of weariness entering her tone.

"Terrian, I – "

"Don't," She commanded gently, "Don't say a word. I just need a moment to think, and if I let you speak now I'm sure I won't be able to say what I need to." Drawing a few deep breaths she finally opened her eyes and lifted her head to look up, still avoiding his gaze. When she began to speak, her words were soft, touched with the slightest disbelief. "Up until tonight, Jostayn, I had no idea that you would even consider the possibility of something… well, something more between us." She finally met his gaze, knowing this was the thing that was hardest for her to say but that she needed most for him to hear. "I… I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thought on it as well; that I wouldn't be open to it." She laughed softly, if only to relieve the tension, "And I think we both know I can't lie." It was only a moment until she was serious again, "I seem to have developed strong feeling for you as well, and Light burn being rational. These matters are irrational by nature and if not for that irrationality the world would be a very boring place."

She paused, and saw her words sink in; saw a certain realization light in his eyes, and hated herself for what had to be said next. Mentally, she knew it was unavoidable, that the words had to be said. Yet, her heart, every fiber of her being, fought against it. It wasn't fair that they should finally admit to each other how they felt only to not have a chance! Surely it was possible to make the most of the next few days? That was a poor idea though, and unfair to both of them. Light, but it sounded like the better idea in the short run! "However, I think we both know this isn't the time, Jostayn." She almost had to force the words out. Her thoughts had been wrong before; this was the hardest for her to say. "To start with, Menaihya and I will be leaving in no more than a few days, and it will be a long time before we return. That being the least of multiple reasons why this has to wait."

She looked down at her hands, seeing the Golden Serpent ring glinting dimly on the second finger of her right hand in the light of the saidin created fire. That was another complication she had thought of and was reluctant to give voice to. She was an Aes Sedai and he was an Asha'man; the odds would be stacked against them. Light! Now she was coming up with excuses. Burn the odds, they didn't matter. That was one of those overly rational thought and not worth her time; not in a situation where rationality could hardly be applied. She looked at Jostayn and tried to read what he was thinking but failed. She only had to question why this had had to happen now. Why couldn't they have come to this point sooner? Probably because they'd been too busy arguing to see what was right in front of their faces.

"Jostayn, please say you understand. I…" She trailed off. At this moment she just wanted to reach out, grab his hand – something – but she knew that would entirely ruin the effect of her 'this isn't the time' speech. "I need to know."