Calia's Novice Raising

Right, so raisings are the thing every writer on the sight has to do at some point or another. They can be loads of fun to write and really creative because the rules are less binding. This is Calia's raising from novice to Accepted at the White Tower. That's first rank to mid rank, if you're wondering. She's halfway to being an Aes Sedai, a full rank character.

Summoned: Doubt
Calia Selle

"Calia, wait." The novice stopped briefly as commanded and smiled at the girl who came up quickly next to her. "Sloane Sedai is coming behind us." Kitara said softly as Calia began to walk slowly down the hall again, "He's wearing his sash." She added in a tone which implied that was significant, although any novice who had been in the Tower as long as Calia knew that was significant. She knew exactly what that sash on the Master of Novices meant; someone was going to be raised. Whoever it was, she was happy for them. However, she knew that the chances for herself or Kitara were slim. Kitara Dovin hadn't been in the whites long enough yet, just barely three years, and Calia had only just returned after a runaway attempt. She was just beginning to learn how to tap the Power properly; to draw on more than a trickle of her strength. She wasn't ready yet.

"Well, we both know that it's unlikely he's come for one of us, Kitara, so I don't see why you're so excited about it." The Seanchan woman answered with the typical slow drawl as she tossed waves of raven hair over her shoulder. Light, but Kitara was still so naïve sometimes. Neither of them was that close to the ring.

"I'm not that excited. It's just that he's catching up to use with awfully fast so I imagine that we'd at least be expected to stop." The Domani novice smiled mischievously, "You never know, he might be looking for us for some reason other than a raising."

"Oh, you mean like we're both in trouble for that last prank you pulled?" Calia grinned at her once hated roommate, "Thanks, but no thanks. I've served more than enough penance lately." She sighed. "You should have known better than to let a mouse into that Aes Sedai's rooms though." Kitara grinned proudly as both girls came to a stop and turned to face Sloane Sedai with graceful curtsies, well practiced enough that they could drop them even with books in their arms. Calia's blue eyes locked for a moment on the gray fringed sash around the Master of Novices waist. She allowed her gaze to travel up to the Aes Sedai's, finding that he was looking at her. Her heart leapt into her throat in that instant. What had she done to be sought out as such?

"Calia Selle," his voice carried in the hall and the summoned novice's eyes went wide as she recognized the words of ceremony, "it is time. You must ask no questions and follow without delay." Calia nodded calmly, if only to hide the shock she felt internally, and handed her books over to Kitara with a whisper to please take them back to their room for her. Kitara smiled encouragingly as Calia turned from her with her stomach tying itself in knots and her mind reeling at the thought that she had been deemed ready to be raised.

Sloane Sedai led down through hallways Calia had never before seen until she was certain they had to be underground simply because of the chill the air had gained and the way the floor felt cool through her thin slippers. The doors to a large chamber opened on silent flows of Air, or what she had to assume was Air, to reveal the three arches of a ter'angreal within. This was the test all novices both waited anxiously for and dreaded coming. Calia dreaded it more than anything. She wasn't ready yet! It had been barely a few months since she had realized how much she wanted to be an Aes Sedai and that meant it was far too soon for this. "I must tell you now what no one hears until this moment," Sloane said steadily. Calia nodded, looking a little queasy despite the calm she kept her expression schooled to. "The first is this. Once you begin the Testing, you must continue until the end. If you refuse at any point after you've begun, we will have no choice but to see you from the Tower, with enough silver to last you a year." What! But she had only just come to truly know and love this place! They would take it from her so quickly if she failed?

"Second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger within these rings. Some have entered the ter'angreal and were never seen again. We don't know what happened to then, only that they failed to appear when the Arches grew silent. If you would survive, you must be steadfast. Knowing this, do you wish to continue?"

No! Calia's mind screamed at her, made up from the moment she had been told she had a choice to refuse and not be turned away from the Tower just yet. She would refuse, that was her decision. Yet, when she opened her mouth those weren't the words that came out. "I am ready." What under the Light had claimed possession of her and made her say that? Sloane nodded as if her response had been expected and turned slightly, a gesture for which Calia was grateful as she began to strip off her clothes until she stood naked in the cool chamber. Dear Creator this was awkward! Whose idea was this 'clad in the Light' business anyway? Strangely enough, Calia found herself blushing even though the only Aes Sedai looking at her was the Domani who had come forward.

"Whom do you bring with you, Brother?" She spoke clearly.

"One who comes as a Candidate for Acceptance, Sister." Sloane replied with equal ceremonial clearness.

"Is she ready?" Blessed Light! No she is not!

"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."

"Does she know her fears?"

"She has never faced them, but now is willing."

"Then let her face her fears." Calia shuddered. What have I gotten myself into?

Sloane indicated the first arch. "The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Calia hesitated as she stared into that glowing silver light. She closed her eyes. May the Light protect me and the Creator shelter my soul. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the light. It flared around her and then she was gone.


For What Was: Better to be Feared
Calia Selle

Falling. She was falling. Falling through space and time, the darkness between the strings of the Pattern of the Age. For the moment she was perfectly aware of this, of the test she was to undergo, and was unfazed by it. The darkness was comforting, even welcoming. In this instant, she understood all that was necessary for her to understand because the Pattern was laid out before her. It was truth in its purest form that Calia saw, truth to make a White envious. Yet, it was only the briefest flash of sight before she was again without that comprehension; before she was plunged unceremoniously into the horrors of what was in a past long ago. Her spirit struggled against the power that threatened to overtake it – to remain aware – but the will of the test and the strength of another consciousness were far greater than her own. As she slipped into the test the words rang through her mind. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

Dark eyes opened slowly as the light of early morning poured into her bedchamber. Even as she awoke her mind began planning, launching into a list of what had to be done today and how she would avoid the perils which awaited her outside this room. One did not come to rule a nation if they weren't constantly thinking of new ways to escape danger and keep the people loyal. Talai Velaes – Was that who she was? – was no fool, she knew the way to maintain loyalty from these people was not through winning their hearts but through striking terror into their souls. Those weak rulers who wanted love from their subjects fell quickly. No, Talai's subjects feared her wrath more than they feared death; they would fight for her until their last breath passed their lips. It was better to be feared than loved after all, a lesson any woman with her ambition learned quickly if they wanted to live. Talai had wanted to live and had an unquenchable thirst for power. Yes, she maintained only a small country now, but she had plans to rule so much more in the years to come.

As she sat up, Talai allowed the sheets to pool in her lap, not bothering to hold them as covering for her naked form. She moved to rise from the bed only to be caught from behind by a pair of strong arms and drawn back against the chest of her lover. Smiling one of her rare, genuine smiles, she allowed it. After all, had she wanted to all she had to do was but reach for the Power and it would jump to her. She was an Aes Sedai, and she could have stopped this foolishness without lifting a finger. This morning though she was feeling indulgent as she rested comfortably in those arms. "Come now, Talai. Surely you wouldn't be missed if you were to decide too spend but another hour with me this morning?" He whispered suggestively in her ear, and she was tempted to agree. Today would be a poor day for her to give in to such an appealing suggestion though; especially when she knew that one hour would likely turn into more.

"You're right, of course, Varol, I wouldn't be missed." She returned, tilting her head at such an angle as to catch his lips with her own and tease him with the possibility of something more. When she pulled away it was with some reluctance, but the knowledge that she couldn't waste her morning simply at the whim of her lover. She had things to see to, and so did he for that matter. "But both you and I know that too much hinges on our actions in the coming days. A queen and her general can't waste their day in bed together while their country is at war." One might think that she was too kind to Varol, considering her policy of never allowing anyone to get to close. Yet, it would be only a fool who thought she was attached to him. Varol Tylas was as dispensable as any other member of her court; lover or not.

"You're cruel, love." Varol said sulkily as she rose from the bed and made her way to her wardrobe, picking out a dress of blood red satin with gold embroidery. "Don't you have a maid to help you with such things?" Varol quipped as he watched her struggle to do the buttons up her back, he himself already out of bed and half dressed.

"Not when you're around," Talai answered wryly.

"Oh, but I’m not so good at doing up buttons." He joked as he began to do up the row of small buttons, "Undoing them… Well, that's another story altogether." Talai quirked an eyebrow as he finished, resisting the urge to actually roll her eyes.

"That's good," she said, appraising the job in the mirror, "Now get out of here. You're supposed to be inspecting the soldiers today, General."

"Yes, ma'am," He saluted with a silly grin playing on his lips and turned to leave.

"And send in the bloody maid!" The maid was at her side quickly, but not quickly enough. Light, did all her servants have to be incompetent? Drawing on saidar, Talai used Air to slap the girl across the face as punishment for taking too long. It was going to be a very long day if this continued. "Send for my war generals, girl, and be quick about it. Then you will assist me."

"General Tylas just left though, milady. Would you have me call him back?"

"No, fool, I want my other generals. General Tylas has his orders." The girl curtsied hurriedly and went to send for the officers and returned quickly. By the time the generals arrived, the girl had done Talai's dark brown hair in an intricate mass of curls and was beginning to apply cosmetics. The pair, battle hardened men who were loyal only to her, saluted and bowed. "When I say quickly, gentlemen," Talai began, her voice dangerously low, "I mean it. Not at your earliest convenience, not twenty minutes later, but as soon as it is humanly possible for you to arrive from where you are to where I want you." In an instant she held a blade of Spirit at each man's throat, pressed against their skin so they could feel it. "Am I clear?"

"Perfectly, Talai Sedai." They answered in unison.

"Good." She released the blades, "It would have been a shame to have to kill you. Now, report."

"The armies of Luthair Paendrag still march on our borders, we expect that at their current pace they will meet our forces sometime soon after dawn tomorrow." Kaelsar, the elder general whose face was scarred from a past battle with a neighboring Aes Sedai's nation, answered steadily.

"Expected outcome of a battle?" Talai questioned, closing her eyes so the maid could apply kohl.

"Unknown," answered the other general, a young man with a too pretty face named Shasos, "The force which marches on us is not this Luthair Paendrag's full army, but a smaller division which still outnumbers ours. However, we have the advantage of terrain and knowledge of the land."

"And my sister?" Talai questioned reluctantly. Her bloody sister was a pain, but no more irritating than a buzzing fly. The woman was idealistic and foolish, which was why Talai was in charge and not her.

"Laeleil Sedai has done as you asked and joined her forces with ours, agreeing that the good of the nation must come before sibling rivalries." Thank the Light. I can't be fighting enemies from both without and within. "She refuses to join you here though, instead wishing to remain at an inn in the city. She fears for her safety if she is within your walls." And with good reason. But I wouldn't have her killed as long as she fought by my side.

"You two and General Tylas will keep me posted on the fighting once our forces meet those from across the ocean." Talai said in satisfaction, rising as the maid finished by clasping a gold necklace with a ruby pendant around her neck. "Dismissed." The generals saluted again, fists to hearts, and turned simultaneously and their heels to leave. They would see who won this battle. This Luthair Paendrag character had no idea what he was getting himself into.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.


For What Was: The End Justifies the Means
Calia Selle

"I am surrounded by incompetence!" She screamed in frustration a week later, lashing out with the Power at everyone in her sight and gaining intense satisfaction at the suffering she inflicted. "You honestly mean to tell me that they beat our army back to the city walls? Dark One take you all, I don't need such utter lack of progress." Talai rounded on General Shasos in her fury. "You told me we stood a bloody chance! If that was true, why is this city under siege?" She was livid, absolutely enraged, at the stupidity of her top officers. "Can someone explain that to me?"

Laeleil, who had finally agreed to come to the palace two days past, came up behind her and gently laid a hand on Talai's arm. "Sister, perhaps you should calm down and think this through rationally. It is not General Shasos fault that our army has been beaten back."

In a swift, well practiced motion, Talai backhanded Laeleil hard enough that she fell to the floor with blood flowing from a split lower lip. "Shut up, Laeleil. You know nothing of what it takes to be a ruler." Laeleil's attendants rushed quickly to her aid, on of the girls lighting up with the glow of saidar and beginning to form the weave for Healing. Somewhat calmer than before, Talai lashed out again with the Power, this time throwing a sharp edge of Spirit between the girl and the Source to still her. "Damn girl, what part of do not channel in my presence without my express permission did you misunderstand?" The girl's blue eyes were wide with shock as she no doubt was realizing that even though she could sense it, she could no longer reach saidar. "The punishment for that is severing; a sentence I have just carried out." The girl's eyes were welling up with tears as Talai spoke to one of the guards. "Get her out of my sight." This was why Laeleil had risen up against her. Calia didn't believe in training the girls who could channel. If they were trained they had power to challenge her so it was better to let them die. Laeleil thought they deserved a chance to learn and had gathered a sizeable force of girls; girls who were now using the Power as part of Talai's army.

"You didn't have to do that, Talai." Laeleil said thickly around her swollen and bleeding lip. "She was only trying to help."

Talai sneered at her sister. "When will you learn, Laeleil? We are all the same; we thirst for power. When they have learned all they may from you those girls will stab you in the back faster than you can blink. It is better if you just let them die of the sickness."

"I don't believe that." Laeleil answered softly.

"Well then you are a naïve fool, as I've always said you were." Talai turned to two of the girls who she recognized as being able to channel. "Link and shield my sister," One of the girls looked as if she was about to say something defiant as she met Talai's dark gaze, "Or I'll sever you both. I'm not too concerned with which you choose." Glaring defiance the whole time the two linked, saidar lighting around them in a pale comparison to Talai's power, and wove the net of Spirit that would cut Laeleil off from the Source. "That's right girls; I'm in charge around here." The girls didn't seem to understand the significance of that so she added, "If it was up to me you'd all be dead, so don't displease me." Ah, yes. There were the looks of fear she had been hoping for. Such a motivator, fear was. She barely had to lift a finger.

The way Talai saw it, she now had two options. First was to fight, to see this siege through to the end which would likely result in defeat. Second was to work out agreeable terms with the enemy commander. When it came to which option was better, well, Talai already had the terms she would set the commander in mind – as well as what she would offer in return. "General Kaelsar, send word to the commander of Paendrag's forces that I should like to call a brief truce to discuss terms of surrender and peace." Kaelsar looked surprised for only a moment, though it was hard to tell with that scar on his face, before saluting and exiting quickly to carry out her wishes. "General Tylas, you are with me. When the commander accepts, which he will, we must be ready to go out and meat with him because he will not enter the walls of this city until we have either reached a truce agreement or I am dead." Varol saluted and fell in behind her as she exited her war room and made her way to the stables for her horse.

It was when they were alone; riding for the city gates and toward the enemy, that Varol finally spoke. "Are you sure this is a good idea, love? I mean, we've heard stories of what they do to Aes Sedai and it doesn't sound so pleasant."

"Varol," Talai cautioned dangerously, "you will not question my judgment in these matters. I rule this nation, not you, even if we do share a bed. You would do well to remember that."

"Of course, milady." He answered mildly, making a seated bow from the saddle of his mount and falling silent for the rest of the ride. When they reached the city gates it was only a few minutes until the messenger Kaelsar had sent returned with word that the commander would see her and a guard he had sent to escort her. Talai smiled coldly at the messenger and rode out to meet the guards with Varol only a nose behind. The tent of the army's commander was in the center of the encampment, a large structure divided into rooms by flaps of canvas. When she entered with Varol at her back the only man inside was a tall and darkly handsome man in the uniform of an officer.

"I am Captain Sarys Tadal, in command of this army." He spoke with confidence and a bow.

"I am Talai Velaes Sedai, I rule this country." She stated plainly with a slight inclination of her head. "This is my general, Varol Tylas." Varol nodded to the Captain. "We have come to discuss terms of surrender which would be agreeable to both sides."

"That's brave of you, considering I'm sure you've heard what we do to women claiming the title of Aes Sedai." Captain Tadal stated boldly, "I'll listen though, if only because you're so easy on the eyes, Talai Sedai." His dark gaze looked over her lecherously and she could hear Varol loosening his sword in its scabbard as she stepped a little closer to the Captain.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it." She said in a low voice, realizing she could play the Captain's obvious lust to her advantage. The end justified the means. "My terms are quite simple. I surrender my country to you and in return, I do not face the fate of being leashed I've heard about. I have a basic idea of how those things work, and I know that I could wear the bracelet as well. If you grant me that I'll also deliver a strong Aes Sedai, my own sister, to take my place as leashed."

"No good," Sarys said, stepping closer himself, "I'm about to capture your country as it is, and when I do I'll have two strong Aes Sedai to be leashed."

Talai closed the rest of the distance between them, standing so close that it would have been near impossible to draw much closer. "Well," she said breathily, "perhaps I could sweeten the deal a little then."

Sarys smiled and wrapped his arms around her, "Perhaps you could." With that he bent his head to kiss her and the ring of steel could be heard distinctly from Varol's direction.

"Take your hands off her."

Gently disengaging from the Captain's embrace, Talai turned to Varol "You've outlived your usefulness, dear. I told you not to interfere." It took only moments for her to stop his heart with the Power. "Consider that another…" She trailed off as she turned back to Captain Tadal. There, behind the Captain, was a silver arch. With that vision, memory came flooding back. "Gift." She finished the statement lamely. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. She closed her dark eyes. She was not Talai Velaes, she was Calia Selle. Talai Velaes had died long ago, in the Conquest. Still, she could change that if she stayed; change her own family's history. Not only that, but she could have power. She could be a sul'dam again. Talai reasoned it was enough reason to stay. Yet, Calia knew that once Luthair Paendrag discovered sul'dam, Aes Sedai who had agreed to be leash holders – like Talai – would be collared as well. Dark eyes still closed, she launched herself through the arch she knew was there.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

When she finally opened her eyes they were again blue and she felt the distinct need to be sick at the thought of all the blood on her hands. The betrayals, the ruined lives, the cold-blooded murders. Calia fell to her knees and retched at the memories that burned into her mind. Memories of a life lived that hadn't been hers. A chalice of cool water washed over her as she wiped the vomit from her chin. "You are washed clean of what sin you may have done, and of those done against you," the words were those of ceremony, not truth. Calia very much doubted she would ever feel clean again. "You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul." She didn't feel pure, in heart or soul. Both ached, knowing without having to ask that what she had seen had been the truth. That had been the life Talai Velaes had lived, and Calia had been born of her line centuries later. Somehow she just knew it to be true.

"Are you alright, child?" Sloane asked as he guided her to the second arch. Somehow, after being Talai, she was no longer shamed by the idea of a man seeing her without clothes and didn't blush.

"I'm fine." Calia said simply. She had to go on now. She had begun the test, she could no longer refuse. Sloane looked at her with only a hint of concern before continuing.

"The second time is for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Calia didn't hesitate this time, but stepped into the arch as soon as the words had left Sloane's lips. After all, how much worse could this test possibly get?


For What Is: Like it Never Was
Calia Selle

Calia cried out in pain and let loose a string of curses fit to make even the most seasoned soldier blush as the pale-haired sul'dam straightened her arm to a more natural position than the odd angle it had hung limply at. "Dammit Jenian! You couldn't be gentler? I need that arm." She gasped and cursed again as Jenian shifted something else with ruthless precision and a healer's confident touch. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Calia blinked at those words, confused, but shook off the feeling quickly. Gripping the edge of the bed with her good arm, the raven-haired sul'dam glared daggers at her fellow sul'dam.

"Don't you give me that look, Calia Selle." Jenian chided as she finished and brought over a damane, "I'm being as gentle as I can, but your arm is broken in three places – one of them straight through. Not to mention that your shoulder is dislocated." Calia glanced at the damane as Jenian paused to give the girl instructions; she could tell instantly when the grey swathed woman held saidar and had begun to weave Healing around her arm. As the first weave touched her skin, Calia shuddered. Even after sixteen years she still hated to be touched by the filth of the Power. "Honestly," Jenian continued ad she turned her attention once again on her patient, "how could you allow Juri to injure you this badly? And how did she survive the backlash of pain through the a'dam?"

"What do you mean how could I allow her to injure me this badly?" Calia questioned incredulously, "It's not as if I held out my arm and told her to break it three times! She just came flying at me when I went to get her from the kennels." She was beginning to feel better now that the bones in her arm were knitting themselves back together. "You know Juri has always been difficult with me. I've never been able to break her of it." Jenian nodded sympathetically as she worked with the damane to Heal the bones. "As for how she survived; I was able to remove the bracelet quickly enough to spare her most of the pain. If I had let it go on much longer she would have completely lost her mind to it, if not her life. She had passed out already. Her body could take the stress, even if it wasn't her pain she was feeling." Again, Jenian nodded and patted her own damane – Mia, a girl taken here if Calia's memory served – on the head for a job well done.

"Alright, this is going to hurt, Calia, but you'll be as good as new." Jenian took hold of her injured arm, "You might want to hold on to something." Calia gripped the edge of the bed tightly with one hand as the other sul'dam popped her shoulder back into its socket. She cringed, but kept quiet this time as Jenian finished. Carefully, she was helped to get her arm back in the sleeve of her dress; it had been taken out to see the full extent of the damage. That done and her gown buttoned up the back, Jenian moved on to putting Calia's arm in a sling. "How are you going to punish Juri?" She asked conversationally as she fitted the folded triangle of fabric around Calia's neck.

"I'm not." The other sul'dam answered truthfully. Jenian barely stifled a shocked gasp before Calia qualified the answer with, "Der'sul'dam Moiria finally had enough. As I am the only sul'dam who has trouble with Juri she has decided that I will no longer be allowed to work with her. She told me it is no fault of my own; merely an issue with the damane. I believe her exact words were 'If the tool is defective even a master craftsman will be unable to use it.'"

Jenian smiled. "She has picked up some of the strangest references since crossed the Aryth. She would have never said that when we were in the same classes, learning how to act as sul'dam." She adjusted the sling slightly. "There. You'll need to wear that for a few days, but your arm will be fine after that."

"Thank you, Jenian. You've trained Mia quite well considering what she was." Calia glanced at the ageless features of the damane's face.

"Well, once she realized she was a damane for the rest of her life she came around quite nicely." She drew the damane over. "Thank Calia for her generous compliment, Mia."

"Thank you, Mistress." Mia murmured with her head down, eyes glued to the ground at her feet. Calia patted her head warmly as her way of thanks. The girl had once been of what the Aes Sedai called the Yellow Ajah, or marath'damane who learned to Heal exceptionally well.

Jenian frowned at Calia. "You're trying to distract me, aren't you?" Calia smiled innocently. It had been worth a try. "I'm recommending that you don't attempt to train and of the damane until that arm is fully healed. Don't try to get der'sul'dam Moiria to overturn my decision either. I'll be explaining exactly why you're unfit to do so if I have to." Calia frowned, but nodded her acceptance just the same. "Good. Now go to the dining hall and eat something. Your body will need the energy now that Mia has Healed you." Calia nodded and got up from the bed she sat on, holding her arm carefully in its sling as she made her way to the door of what had become the infirmary for the sul'dam and damane and exited toward the dining hall. Jenian had been right, Calia was starving and exhausted from the Healing. That was to be expected, although most wouldn't have asked for Healing to begin with. Calia had learned after her first bout of foolishness about not being touched with the Power that it was easier simply to let the damane work their filthy saidar across her and be done with it. After all, what was a moment of discomfort compared to a week of pain?

Upon arriving in the sul'dams' dining hall, the damane were fed in the kennels and thus there were few to be seen here unless they were being rewarded by a sul'dam, Calia got a tray of the day's lunch and sat to eat. She had only just begun, and was realizing how difficult it was to eat without her right arm, when one of the younger sul'dam, a girl named Lena who was tested and found capable of being a leash holder on this side of the Aryth Ocean, came up quietly next to her. "Calia," She said softly, her voice sounding hurried to Calia's ears because of the odd accent of the people here. They all spoke so quickly! "Der'sul'dam Moiria wishes to see you. I think she meant right away." The older sul'dam sighed as she looked at the young, Domani sul'dam. Poor timing that woman had.

"Oh." Calia answered lamely. "Thank you, Lena." Taking her napkin from her lap and setting it on the table Calia rose, with little grace due mainly to her injury, and left for the der'sul'dam's office. Damn, but she had been hungry and now she would miss lunch. Well, so things were. She was used to it by now. Moiria had a reputation for being as hard on the sul'dam she commanded as she was on the damane she trained, but Calia knew the real Moiria was actually very gentle. Like most sul'dam they had a way they handled people and damane in public which was strict but it would vary from one sul'dam to the next in private. There were some who truly enjoyed being cruel and others who favored kindness. Calia had always taken a middle road, showing her damane that she didn't care one way or the other so long as they did was they were told.

When Calia arrived, Moiria was waiting. With a bow to her superior, Calia waited patiently to be acknowledged. It didn't take long. "I have a task for you, Calia." She said, eyes lingering for a moment on the sling. "There is a particularly difficult damane who was recently captured and needs proper training. I'm putting you in charge. I think you have just the right touch for this one." Calia smiled. The difficult ones were always the most fun.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.


For What Is: And Never Will Be
Calia Selle

Defying the clear orders of Jenian to stay away from the damane until her arm healed and choosing to act on the orders of the higher ranked der'sul'dam Moiria instead, Calia entered the room of the new damane with every ounce of calm haughtiness she possessed and fastened the bracelet of the poor creature's a'dam around her wrist. "What is your name, damane?" She questioned pleasantly, testing the waters and attempting to gauge the state of her new pet's training. The grey-clad girl – she always thought of damane as girls, women would acknowledge their humanity – looked up at her with an ageless face and hazel eyes filled with fire. For the briefest moment, the whisper of a memory flashed through Calia's mind as she thought she recognized this golden-haired former Aes Sedai, but it faded as quickly as it had come. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. "Well? I asked you a question. When you are asked a question you are expected to answer." Her voice was deathly calm as she watched the damane writher in agony from the sensation of nettles prickling every inch of her skin that she would now be feeling. It was a mild punishment, and Calia enjoyed watching the girl struggle with herself to decide if it was worth the pain.

"Terrian," The girl finally forced out and Calia allowed the sensation to fade, "Terrian Dy'ner Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah." Calia blinked, the name sounding familiar even as she sensed defiance through the a'dam, but remained focused on the task at hand.

"Tsk. And you were doing so well too." Calia watched unfeelingly as the damane curled in on herself to attempt to escape the unseen thorns that pricked her. "Had you been a good girl I might have allowed you to keep your name. You had to be defiant though, didn't you? From now on, your name is Silvi." Calia paused, allowed Silvi to absorb this new name as she struggled against the punishment she was still being subjected to. "Now, what is your name?"

Somehow, she fought off the pain and looked directly into Calia's eyes. "My name is Terrian."

"Wrong." Calia shook her head and punctuated the answer with the sensation of a switch falling across Silvi's back as she stopped the thorns. "And never look your Mistress in the eye." Another switching, "Now, let's try again. What is your name?"

"Terrian." The damane cried out as that same sensation of a switch flowed from Calia to her.

"Still wrong. What is you're name?"

The hazel gaze fell to the floor as the sul'dam could sense her charge was wearing down and an answer was mumbled. "What was that? You mustn't mumble."

"Silvi," she said louder, "my name is Silvi."

Calia smiled a pleased smile. This former Aes Sedai had been worn down already, she was willing to given in faster. "Good girl, Silvi. You are beginning to understand, I see. But you are not to refer to yourself as 'me' or 'I' anymore. You are not a person, Silvi." The girl looked up at her in horror, hazel eyes locking on blue before the invisible switch reminded her to cast her eyes downward. "You must never look a sul'dam in the eye, Silvi. I just explained that. People look other people in the eyes, and you are not a person. What are you, Silvi?"

"Silvi is a damane," came the hesitant answer, "Mistress."

"Good girl." The raven-haired sul'dam spoke as to her favorite pet and stroked the damane's golden hair lightly. "You learn quickly. You even remembered to call me Mistress that time. Now, I want to you channel for me. Show me the most complex thing you know." Silvi nodded and held saidar in mere moments, beginning to weave a thing Calia didn't recognize which coalesced into a shimmering blue slash, rotating and opening to a dark platform. It was a weave the sul'dam recognized from encounters with those calling themselves Asha'man; something the Seanchan had been trying desperately to capture a marath'damane who could weave it to learn. Calia was so captivated by the portal into darkness that she did not notice the odd look her damane was giving her. Something had caught Silvi's attention.

"Dear Creator, you can see them." She said softly, seeming to come out of a trance. "You can see the flows of the Power, can't you?" Calia started, realizing that what she had been staring at had indeed seemed to be faint, silver threads. "You can channel you know." Silvi continued. "If you can see the weave you can channel too."

Calia had had enough and the invisible switching began anew. "Silvi," her voice was stern, "you will stop this foolishness. Sul'dam simply develop an affinity for such things the longer we work with the a'dam. Now, stop channeling." She stopped. "Good. Now, every one of you Aes Sedai says that sul'dam can channel and every time they find they were wrong, so don't cause trouble." Silvi frowned, but remained silent. "Normally, for showing me such a mastery of channeling, I would reward a damane. You haven't done anything to deserve it though, Silvi. Instead, we will be going to see der'sul'dam Moiria. I'm sure she would like to see your trick."

"I won't show her." Calia frowned and the damane corrected herself. "Silvi won't show her."

"Yes, Silvi will. Silvi will find that the der'sul'dam is not as kind as Mistress Calia if she doesn't." Calia was able to quickly move through the halls from the damane kennels to Moiria's office with Silvi in tow. When they arrived, Moiria looked slightly confused but indulgent as well. Giving the bracelet to the der'sul'dam Calia looked at Silvi. "Show her what you showed me, Silvi." Silvi did so with only minor coaxing from Moiria and the der'sul'dam was delighted.

"Calia, you'll be made der'sul'dam yourself for this." The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. There, looming off to the side, was a shining, silver arch; and with it came memory. Calia ignored it as she listened to Moiria command Silvi to show her other amazing things. This was what she had always wanted after all, to be offered a promotion to der'sul'dam. Truthfully, she had never really given up on this dream, even when she had dedicated herself to being Aes Sedai. She could be so much more if she stayed! This was the price she had to pay for a ring! Light, until this moment she had never realized how desperately she had wanted this. She could have what she had once dedicated her life to. No, she would stay. The arch flickered.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. No! She didn't want to be steadfast. She had what she wanted here! To stay though, she had to give up so much. Ten years of hardship, a sister, friends, and channeling. Yes, she would never again feel sweet saidar rushing through her if she stayed. Never would she be so full of life she felt like she would burst from it. Not if she stayed, and that was the deciding factor. She didn't think she could live without the Power coursing through her veins. She stepped to the side, gaining a shocked look from Moiria, and tripped; falling trough the arch.

The way back will came but once. Be steadfast.

She landed with her right arm outstretched to catch herself on the cool tiles. The weakened shoulder gave out on her though as she struggled to push herself up, knowing that the shoulder would likely always plague her with periods of weakness from this day forth. It had begun to mend itself and not even Healing could undo that damage that had been done. "Light, what have I given up for this?" She murmured. She gave so much to gain so little. She gave up the title of der'sul'dam, a most coveted position. So much she had never realized she wanted so desperately. It had felt so good, so right, to be complete with a damane again. To sense their thoughts, to be in complete control of their power, was exhilarating. She missed it now. She needed something to fill the emptiness it had left within her. Of course, she had it. It was the reason she had returned; to channel again, to strive to be an Aes Sedai.

Cool water washed over again, the most welcome sensation against her warm skin. She turned her face up into the end of the stream of water from the chalice, letting it wash away the tears that had been shed when she thought of what she gave up. "You are washed clean," the voice of a sister spoke in ceremonial tones, "of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul." Calia wanted to laugh. Ambition and pride. Those were what she had given up to return and now she was washed clean of them. How ironic it as that the ancient words of ceremony could know such a thing. Yet still, she didn't feel clean. She still remembered the cruelties of Talai Velaes that she had despised and even fresher in her mind were the cruelties she had been willing to commit to be a der'sul'dam. Light, how could she be so disgusted by one and still find the other so enticing? Why didn't she feel she was clean?

Calia was calm as the Master of Novices guided her to the final arch. "The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Only once more did she have to endure this. This was the third and final arch. One more time, and she would be an Accepted of the White Tower; what she had given up so much and endured great pain for. This was the end. She stepped through the arch, this time without hurry or hesitation. She would be steadfast.


For What Will Be: Go No Further
Calia Selle

Stumbling from the arch, Calia fell to her knees and allowed herself to be carried away by the sea of sorrow that had overcome her as the chalice full of water was poured over her head. "You are washed clean of false pride." The Aes Sedai said calmly, with little emotion but cool serenity, "You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul." Calia looked up; positive she wasn't clean but resigned to what was to come. Somehow, she got to her feet again and allowed herself to be guided to the final arch. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Her mind was blank, and as the words floated through the dark corners of her mind she dismissed them as mere memory of the second arch. She was so close to finishing this test as she stood before the third arch of the ter'angreal that she could almost taste it.

"The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Even as the words were spoken, they echoed again inside her mind. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Something in her broke then; or maybe it had been broken all along. As she gazed into the light, she knew she couldn't go through it all again. If she went on, she would fail. Yet, she wanted this so badly! Was it worth her life though? Calia thought about it for a long moment, wondering if it was worth risking her life, before she turned away from the light-filled arch with glistening eyes. She would not cry! Not now! She could cry for what she was about to give up later, but not here in this place.

"I can't," she said quietly and looked Sloane Sedai in the eye, "I just can't go on. I can't be steadfast any longer." She paused, praying that she had made the right decision. When she spoke again, her voice trembled ever so slightly. "I refuse."

Calia wished she could read the expression in the Master of Novices' features, but she had heard a gasp from at least one of the Aes Sedai behind her. Sloane looked at her and spoke the words so few ever heard, "By the Light, the Tower accepts your refusal," he replied to her refusal. "By the Light, your designation as initiate is revoked, and your name shall be stricken from the Novice book. By the Light, you are to be seen safely and swiftly from the White Tower, to make your way in the world as you see fit." Calia smiled grimly. To make her way in the world as she saw fit? She had no place in the world any longer, and no idea where to begin a new life.

"The Creator shelter you, and the Light keep you whole." Calia nodded and quickly put on the only clothes she had to wear: her novice whites. It was a painful reminder of what she was giving up because she was too weak to carry on. She simply wanted to put this all behind her, and she would. Quickly she hoped as she was led up to the above ground levels of the Tower by Sloane Sedai until they had to part ways. Calia went back to her room for the last time, to gather what little she had there, and the Master of Novices went to find a dress for her as well as silver to last a year as the Tower promised all who refused to continue. Calia had only just arrived back in her room when an Accepted came with the clothes and silver. Must they remind her so soon of what she had lost?

"Sloane Sedai wished me to inform you that as soon as you are ready you must leave. I will escort you from the Tower." The Accepted smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, child." Calia nodded and changed quickly into the dress of dark blue wool, tying the coin to her belt and meeting the Accepted in the hall she allowed herself to be led from the Tower in silence. Where she would go now she didn't know, but she didn't want to stay in Tar Valon any longer than she had to. No, she had no desire to be forced to live in the same city as those of the White Tower. She couldn't live with the shame of knowing she had given up. It didn't take her long to make her way to South Harbor and book passage on a ship to Aringill. From there, she thought she might like to go to Caemlyn and see if she could start a life there. Or maybe she would continue to travel. She would go where the wind blew here, maybe even back to the Seanchan. She would be made a damane, but at least it would fill this void within her. Let the Wheel weave as the Wheel willed.

---

A few weeks later, Calia had arrived in Caemlyn and found it to be more like the cities she remembered; cities that weren't Tar Valon. Right down to the way her remaining silver had been stolen by a common pickpocket almost as soon as she had arrived on the docks. She had tried to stop the boy, but had been far to slow and the city guard couldn't help her. Damn it all, but this wouldn't have happened in Tar Valon! White Tower initiates deserved respect! There it was though; initiates deserved respect. Calia was no longer of the White Tower; she couldn't claim that she was a novice anymore. As Calia felt the tears begin to fill her eyes she stopped and leaned against a nearby building. Sinking to the ground, she hung her head and finally allowed herself to cry. Light, what was she going to do? She had no money, no place to stay, and not a single skill to earn a living with. Sure, she could channel but that did no good unless she also had the title of Aes Sedai. Those who were Aes Sedai would shut her down quickly if she attempted to use the Power to make a living. She could go to the Black Tower, surely they would take her, but that held now appeal for her. She had been part of an army once and no longer held any desire to do harm. Not to mention the memories of what little of the test she had endured still burned in her mind. No, she was not fit for the Black Tower.

She didn't know how long she had simply sat there as the city thrived around her, but it was growing late by the time someone finally disturbed her silent self-pity. "Well," A female voice said, "Aren't you a pretty little thing." Calia looked up at the speaker, wiping at her eyes as she did so, and saw a woman who would be described as beautiful by any definition of the word smiling down at her. She had curves in all the right places and moved with such grace as was rarely seen on the streets. Flipping a sheet of red hair over her shoulder, the woman crouched easily in front of Calia and held out a handkerchief to her. A small, appreciative smile crossed Calia's features as she took the cloth and dabbed at her eyes with it. "What's a nice girl like you doing sitting here all alone and crying? How about telling me what the matter is? Maybe I could be of assistance."

Calia laughed bitterly at this, "Only if you can work miracles. I've nowhere to stay tonight and no money to pay for a room at an inn." Light what a mess she had gotten herself into.

"Well then I can help you." The woman said matter-of-factly. "So long as you're willing to work for it, I can arrange for a room for you as well as coin for your service." This sounded too good to be true.

"I doubt I have what skills would be necessary for any job, mistress." Calia answered respectfully. "You see, I've never learned any trade to support myself."

"Oh, I think you have more than enough skill for this work, dear." The woman replied, eyeing Calia appraisingly. "It pays well too." The former novice felt like she had a pretty good idea where this was going, but what choice did she have? She understood perfectly well what the woman was offering; she was offering her an opportunity to be taken in by a brothel so long as she was willing to sell her body to make the coin to support herself. Personally, Calia had always despised women who were willing to sink so low as prostitution. Now it seemed she had no choice but to become one of those women she had always looked down upon. She had no choice though? After all, she had said it herself; she had no worthwhile skills but channeling. The only thing she had was her body. It was a thing she hadn't thought on in all her years in the whites, but she knew she looked good. Men very much liked how she looked while there were women who envied it. Calia had always known, but could she do what this beautiful stranger was proposing? "What to you say, dear?"

Calia's hands balled into fists in her skirts as she said the words that shamed her more than anything – even refusing the test. "Alright, I'll do it." The woman smiled, green eyes glittering in the long rays of the sun at dusk.

"I thought you'd say that." She stood and then helped Calia to her feet. "I'm Verlas, by the way, dear. You can think of me as a mentor and friend from now on."

The Seanchan woman nodded and spoke softly. "I'm Calia." You can think of me as a former novice of the White Tower turned prostitute of a Caemlyn brothel.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.


For What Will Be: Return to Us
Calia Selle

The years after that day when she had met Verlas in the streets of Caemlyn passed with little incident and only the occasional disturbance to an otherwise peaceful life. Calia found her shame and disgust with what she had become faded as time went by, until one day she found that she had ceased to hate it. In fact, it wasn't a bad life. Admittedly, the first night with a patron had been difficult, but it became easier as time went on. Light, but she even found herself able to enjoy it now! There was a long dark corner in her mind, where her Seanchan and novice sensibilities resided, which told her she ought to be ashamed of what she had become; that it would have been better to die in the test than this. She had long since stopped listening to the small voice and allowed herself to adapt to her new life. At least, that was what she told herself in those moments when she doubted the decisions she had made over the years. What path might her life have taken had she gone through that final arch? Or what would have become of her if she had turned down Verlas offer? These were the things she pondered as she looked at herself in the mirror, seeing a face the woman she had been only a few years before would have never recognized. Was what she had become what she was meant to be?

The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. She concluded with a smile. Even years later she could still hear the voice of an Aes Sedai speaking those words in her mind. That single phrase had never left her, even when her rank as an initiate had been revoked. Yet, she had learned to avoid speaking it. The one time she had, Elora, a woman from Lugard and the establishment's owner, had commented that she sounded quite a bit like an Aes Sedai. Calia had merely smiled and replied that she had visited Tar Valon before. As much as she had come to think of many of the girls at the White Swan as family she had no desire to share her past as a novice of the White Tower with them, or to somehow explain to them the fact that she could indeed still channel. Worse yet, she was strong enough in the Power that she could have gained the shawl but had little idea how to properly use it aside from basic weaves. She had never stopped practicing though, and attempting to teach herself. Her control and her strength had both increased greatly since her novice days.

Rising from the vanity, and making sure all her paints and powders were properly sealed, Calia moved with the graceful swaying walk of a woman confidant in herself and the beauty of her body as she left the room that was solely hers and went downstairs. The building was divided up so that girls with no other place to live had rooms on the premises, mostly on the third floor, and the rooms on the second floor were for entertaining patrons. Had it been night, the sounds of pleasure one would typically associate with a brothel would have been heard. However, seeing as it was nearly midday, that wasn't the case as Calia descended, pale blue skirts of a Domani cut dress swirling about her ankles. "Well," Lyani, one of the girls who had been born and raised in Caemlyn, called as Calia appeared, "Look who has finally decided to grace us with her presence. Morning, Tears." Calia smiled, enduring the customary banter with grace. Light, but she had only ever cried the morning after the first time! Lyani had a long memory though, and the nickname had stuck.

"And a hello to you to, Lyani." The Seanchan woman returned dryly. Something was different this morning, for morning it was though nearing afternoon; something Calia couldn't quite place.

"Come over and meet our new girl, Calia. She walked in looking for employment just a little while ago." Verlas said warmly, beckoning with an outstretched hand. Calia walked over slowly, looking appraisingly at the new one. A girl with dark hair and eyes with skin like alabaster. Nothing was particularly remarkable about the girl, nothing stood out but the fact that she was certainly pretty. That was, nothing until Calia felt something recognizable. Catching the girl's gaze with her own, she felt the instant sense of familiarity between them and knew for sure what she had felt before had been no fluke. The girl could channel. She had already had her first touching, that much even Calia could tell, and likely needed training or she would die of it. The former novice had never dreamed she would be so close to someone who could channel saidar again, but here she was.

"Hello," the girl said, still looking Calia straight in the eye, "I'm Siril."

Calia blinked, dumbstruck but knowing the girl had likely felt the familiarity too and didn't know what it meant. "I'm Calia." She said with a smile. Her gaze shifted from Siril to Elora. "Elora, would it be alright with you if I showed Siril to her new room and showed her how things work around here?"

Elora looked curiously at her. "Calia in all your years here I've never known you to volunteer for such a thing." She smiled. "Go ahead." Calia nodded and placed her hand on Siril's arm. The girl jumped but allowed herself to be guided up to the third floor.

"Dear Creator, relax child!" Calia said with a light laugh; which was only slightly forced as her mind was working to comprehend what was happening. "I'm not a patron; you have no need to be so nervous. I’m just going to get you set up in your new home, that's all." Opening a door, Calia ushered the girl in and closed the door behind them. Dropping all pretenses, she turned to the girl with a serious look. "Did you know you could channel?"

"I can what?" Siril answered the demand with a question.

Calia rolled her blue eyes and embraced saidar, weaving three balls of bluish light and guiding them in circles around the girl. "Channel girl. This that I'm doing now. You can touch the True Source."

She stumbled backward, tripping onto the bed. "Are you an Aes Sedai?"

"No, but I can teach you to control the Power." Calia sat down on the bed next to Siril. "Now close your eyes and do as I say no matter how foolish it may sound."

---

The weeks after Siril's arrival were more eventful than any that had passed before. Calia secretly tutored Siril in saidar during her free time, teaching her the ins and outs of basic control as they were taught at the White Tower. It took Siril three days to be able to reliably embrace saidar and another three to create her first weave that didn't collapse, but after that she proved to be a quick learner with a sharp mind. She had inquired about the White Tower only once that first day, and Calia had shared her story with the girl. All of her story, even the test. She wanted to spare the girl that pain by not sending her to the Tower. Siril had not asked about since. She seemed content to spend her days learning from the former novice. Truthfully, Siril would have spent her nights learning too had that not been when they earned their living. For that matter, Calia would have gladly spent her nights teaching the girl.

It was about a month after Siril's arrival that what Calia had always feared occurred. An Aes Sedai came to the White Swan, offering to do free medical exams on all the women to see that they were kept healthy. Elora had gladly agreed to the idea; always in the business of looking out for her pseudo family. When the woman, whom Calia had met before and recognized as Lina Sedai of the Yellow Ajah, had introduced herself to the others Siril was one of the first to go to be examined. Calia could have cursed, knowing that she should have told Siril to stay away from Aes Sedai but had never had the chance. Yet she kept silent, watching as Lina Sedai's eyes went momentarily wide. "Did you know you could channel, child?" Siril opened her mouth to answer, but Calia stepped forward from the back. She was tempted to embrace saidar, but old novice habits won out and she resisted.

"She did, Aes Sedai." Calia spoke for Siril, dropping a well practiced curtsey as a result of the same set of novice habits. Every eye in the room turned to look at her.

"Good Light! Child you can channel as well." Lina Sedai frowned. "You're exceptionally strong for a Wilder though. You're both a bit old, but I'll take you back to Tar Valon straight away."

Calia shook her head. "Aes Sedai, I'm nearing my fortieth nameday. I'm far too old for novice whites. Besides, I've already spent ten years as a novice; I was put out when I refused to continue after the second arch of my test for Acceptance." She smiled as she saw recognition in the woman's face. "Yes, you remember. Calia Selle of Noren M'Shar, Seanchan." This earned another round of gasps. She had suppressed the Seanchan accent since she had been put out and never told anyone where she was from. No one had known.

"Creator preserve me." The Yellow sister murmured. "Jocelyn is an Aes Sedai of the Red Ajah now." Calia smiled, proud of the twin she had thought on everyday for years. "I'm going to take the girl with me, Calia. I never thought to find a former novice as well as a future one in a brothel."

The Seanchan woman finally lit with the Power, "You won't take Siril, Aes Sedai."

"She needs to learn!"

"I can teach her all she needs to know. I won't let her be put through what I was." The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

"I will and you can't stop me, child." The silver arch appeared with those words, Calia could sense it behind her as memory flooded back. She hadn't failed the test! She could still be Accepted if she went back now. But was it worth letting Siril lose her freedom to the White Tower as she had? She could stop Lina Sedai; she knew she was stronger, but she found that the pull of the arch was stronger than her desire to save Siril some pain. Silently begging forgiveness for abandoning a girl she had said she would help, Calia stepped backward into the light.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

She stood still after exiting the arch, thinking of the sweet girl she had left to the cruelties of the White Tower. She had known what the girl would eventually face – a test Calia would not wish upon her worst enemy – and had been selfish enough to come back. She thought she had failed though, and the realization that she still had a chance to succeed had been so much more tempting than what she would receive for staying. At least, that was what she told herself as she knelt and the final chalice of water was emptied over her head. "You are washed clean of Calia Selle of Noren M'Shar." The Amyrlin said as the water trickled over Calia's skin. "You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Calia Selle, Accepted of the White Tower." The Amyrlin Seat reached out and helped her to rise, "You are sealed to us, now."

Taking Calia's left hand, the Amyrlin handed the chalice to another Aes Sedai and slipped the Great Serpent ring on the Seanchan woman's finer. "Welcome, daughter." Defying all logic, Calia had asked no questions; she had never demanded to know if it was real. All that mattered was that she had lived through it, and that made it as real to her as anything she had ever experienced. It didn't matter anyway. All that mattered was that she had made it; she was an Accepted.