On Revelations

Yes, this is one small part of a much bigger love story for Miss Terrian. Someday you might get to see it all, but for now this can stand alone. Again, this is part of the story I've been writing over at WoTRP with the wonderful Amy.

Terrian Dy'ner Sedai

She felt strangely relaxed, comfortable even, just sitting here with him in silence. For the first time she realized that she was able to simply be around him; no one was expecting her to act as the perfect Aes Sedai, expecting her to take the weight of the world upon her shoulders. She hadn't realized how heavy a burden the shawl was until it was until it had become hers to bear. The people looked to the White Tower, and through it Aes Sedai, to be their strength in dark times and every Brother and Sister felt it, however indirectly. Now though, sitting here, it didn't seem to matter. Not as she was able to simply study Jostayn's face, his expression, as he gazed at something beyond the lighted edges of the terrace. It abruptly dawned on her just how mundane this situation was, or at least how much it would be were they not Aes Sedai and Asha'man. Then again, what difference did what they were make? They were still both just people, even with the ability to tap into the Power, there was no denying that. Still, the utter normalcy of the whole situation was what made it so abnormal. There had been an attempt on her life just mere hours before, and now she sat chatting as if it was all perfectly, well… normal! Which, of course, she had to suppose it was.

Yet, the silence that had fallen over them soon gave her those few moments when she could descend into her own thoughts; dissect her own jumbled emotions as she was apt to do given the chance. As relaxing as it was, the silence forced her to examine aspects of the things she was feeling that she would rather leave untouched. Allowing her thoughts to turn inward she was forced to pay mind to the slight fluttering feeling that had come over her the moment she had sat down as well as the ever present doubts that sprang up. Mentally, she shook herself and forced herself away from those doubts. The peaceful setting, sitting with Jostayn and not having a sharp comment on the tip of her tongue to lash out with, was just too perfect. She didn't wish to ruin it by doubting the reasons behind it and starting an argument as usually happened.

"I think…" Terrian blinked, refocusing her gaze on Jostayn when he finally broke the silence. A dim corner of her mind noticed a change in his tone, but she ignored it in favor of not analyzing everything as she would normally do. "…that it's safe to conclude at this point in time…" She frowned slightly, more confused than anything. "…that you know perfectly well what it is I feel towards you." The Aes Sedai drew in a sharp breath at that, an interesting contrast to the Asha'man's slow breathing. What he what? It was safe to conclude? How could she possibly know such a thing? He had never shown her anything but a stoic Asha'man and occasionally a man with the potential to be a close friend. In their shared experience though she had only ever seen true evidence of his desire to be friendly yet keep a professional distance between them. Except… Earlier, in the parlor, she had seen something in his eyes. A barely contained feeling she knew all too well. "And have, for a while, now. I think…" Oh Light! This was really happening, wasn't it? "…up until this point I've been trying to… to quell those feelings. But now…" His eyes met hers and she knew that if he took only a moment to look he would be able to see every thought she had writ in her eyes. "Now I think, and perhaps it is just spontaneity taking reign over me, and Light knows how much I might regret this tomorrow – but… now I think that…"

If he was going to say it, couldn't he just spit it out already instead of leaving her in such suspense?

"That it might be irrational in every way to say right now that I have strong feelings for you, but for once in my life, and especially not at this point, I just don't want to be rational." Some part of Terrian wanted her to pinch herself, just to be sure she wasn't dreaming. It was a small part though, compared to the part of her that had no idea exactly how to react. Bringing a hand to her mouth, she held Jostayn's gaze until her own indecision was too much to bear and she closed her eyes. Dear Creator, she had waited so long to hear that from him, but in the back of her mind she knew it wasn't the right time. She wasn't even going to be in Cairhien that much longer, for one! They were leaving and it could be years before she even saw Tar Valon, let alone Cairhien, again. Then there was the fact that, without wanting to admit it, she knew she wasn't ready.

Leaning forward, she rested her elbows on the table and let her forehead rest on her clasped hands as she thought, her eyes still closed. "Light help us both." She said softly, a touch of weariness entering her tone.

"Terrian, I – "

"Don't," She commanded gently, "Don't say a word. I just need a moment to think, and if I let you speak now I'm sure I won't be able to say what I need to." Drawing a few deep breaths she finally opened her eyes and lifted her head to look up, still avoiding his gaze. When she began to speak, her words were soft, touched with the slightest disbelief. "Up until tonight, Jostayn, I had no idea that you would even consider the possibility of something… well, something more between us." She finally met his gaze, knowing this was the thing that was hardest for her to say but that she needed most for him to hear. "I… I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thought on it as well; that I wouldn't be open to it." She laughed softly, if only to relieve the tension, "And I think we both know I can't lie." It was only a moment until she was serious again, "I seem to have developed strong feeling for you as well, and Light burn being rational. These matters are irrational by nature and if not for that irrationality the world would be a very boring place."

She paused, and saw her words sink in; saw a certain realization light in his eyes, and hated herself for what had to be said next. Mentally, she knew it was unavoidable, that the words had to be said. Yet, her heart, every fiber of her being, fought against it. It wasn't fair that they should finally admit to each other how they felt only to not have a chance! Surely it was possible to make the most of the next few days? That was a poor idea though, and unfair to both of them. Light, but it sounded like the better idea in the short run! "However, I think we both know this isn't the time, Jostayn." She almost had to force the words out. Her thoughts had been wrong before; this was the hardest for her to say. "To start with, Menaihya and I will be leaving in no more than a few days, and it will be a long time before we return. That being the least of multiple reasons why this has to wait."

She looked down at her hands, seeing the Golden Serpent ring glinting dimly on the second finger of her right hand in the light of the saidin created fire. That was another complication she had thought of and was reluctant to give voice to. She was an Aes Sedai and he was an Asha'man; the odds would be stacked against them. Light! Now she was coming up with excuses. Burn the odds, they didn't matter. That was one of those overly rational thought and not worth her time; not in a situation where rationality could hardly be applied. She looked at Jostayn and tried to read what he was thinking but failed. She only had to question why this had had to happen now. Why couldn't they have come to this point sooner? Probably because they'd been too busy arguing to see what was right in front of their faces.

"Jostayn, please say you understand. I…" She trailed off. At this moment she just wanted to reach out, grab his hand – something – but she knew that would entirely ruin the effect of her 'this isn't the time' speech. "I need to know."

On Sisters

This is part of a long storyline Amy, the writer of Menaihya Sedai, and I are doing. I just thought this post to be particularly interesting, one which I enjoyed writing a lot, so I decided to put it here.

Terrian Dy'ner Sedai

It seemed to take only an instant for Terrian to be pulled away from her near-sister by one of the nobles as she watched Menaihya being drawn into conversation by Shae Lorien. Mentally, she cursed, displeased by the fact that the High Seat had already managed to corner one of them alone. She was confident that Menaihya would be able to successfully and skillfully form answers to the man's questions without giving too much away, but a man didn't get and hold a High Seat unless he could play the Game of House very well too. Still, there was nothing Terrian could do as she found herself drawn into polite small talk with a group of Cairhienin ladies who simply couldn't get over how cute young Devin was. The boy, never one to take the spotlight willingly, stood very close to the Aes Sedai, almost burying his face in the forest green silk of her skirts. Of course, this only made him that much more endearing to the noble ladies. One of the ladies, Ariane of House Roas – a young woman with a heart-shaped face, hair so dark it might as well have been black; and large, expressive brown eyes – finally broached the topic of Devin's origins once they thought they had lulled Terrian into being comfortable with them. The Green sister wasn't as caught off guard as she suspected they would have hoped. She wasn't fool enough to fall for the 'we're just women chatting about women things' tactic.

"Terrian Sedai, you'll pardon me for asking of course," Terrian smiled slightly and nodded, "but young Devin is certainly not your child, is he? I was under the impression that Aes Sedai didn't typically have children, but the resemblance between you is slightly uncanny." The rest of the women politely nodded their agreement, simultaneously indicating that they too had been wondering. Terrian, while internally shocked that Lady Ariane had asked so directly, didn't let her thoughts show on her face. She did, however, notice the significant look that passed between Ariane and one of the slightly older ladies, Yvette of House Minae. It was veiled, but Terrian had a lot of practice reading veiled looks and she could tell from this one that Yvette had put Ariane up to asking the question. It was blunt, but when it came from Ariane it could be viewed as somewhat innocent as she was still very young and perhaps adjusting to the ways of adult Daes Dae'mar. It would have fooled some people, but Terrian wasn't an idiot, she could tell what was going on, and it bothered her that these women of nobility thought to play an Aes Sedai for a fool.

Instead of giving the women the reaction, the slip, she was sure they were waiting for Terrian merely smiled and laughed it off as if she truly believed Ariane were than young and tactless. "Certainly not, although I do admit that he does have a few eerily similar features to me. Devin here is a child," she had wanted to use the term orphan, but the knowledge that his mother was still out there serving the Dark One prevented that, "Menaihya Sedai and I have taken in at the behest of his guardians. He is under our protection until such a time as it would be appropriate to find him a different set of guardians." Ariane smiled, obviously touched by a story of such selfless charity to a poor, lowborn boy. Yvette, on the other hand, smiled ever so slightly, but her eyes frowned. She hadn't gotten what she was looking for. It abruptly occurred to Terrian that she was inordinately pleased with herself for such a simple deception, but she really needed something to cheer her up right now. Especially as she realized that she was currently in the home of Jostayn – or Derowyn's – family. He had likely walked these very rooms and halls once. That very thought was enough to sober her mood considerably.

"Oh, Eliani," Ariane called to one of the women passing them; "you must come here and meet the Aes Sedai and child." Terrian's eyes traveled to the woman Ariane had named Eliani as she approached. There was something very familiar about her features, recognizable almost. Eliani was older than Terrian. If she had to guess she would have put the woman at about forty years of age. She was dark eyed and haired with pale skin. Altogether she was very typically Cairhienin, yet there was something about the shape of her face, the look in her eyes, that was almost startlingly familiar. "Terrian Sedai, if you would allow me to introduce you to Eliani Leci Damodred of House Damodred." Terrian blinked, the only outward sign of the fact that Ariane's simple introduction had set the Aes Sedai's mind reeling. Eliani Leci Damodred? Oh, this could be bad. Had Ian ever written home about her? "Eliani, this is Terrian Dy'ner Sedai of the Green Ajah, of course." The look that flashed across Eliani's face for the briefest moment was more than enough to answer Terrian's last question.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Eliani." Terrian greeted with a polite nod.

"The pleasure is all mine, Terrian Sedai." Eliani replied with equal politeness and a respectful curtsey. Her dark eyes glanced to Devin. "And I suppose this is the child Ariane was referring to." Her tone was slightly warmer when speaking to Devin, but her attention was quickly turned back to the other women who had clustered around Terrian. "If you don't mind, I'd like to steal Terrian Sedai away from you, friends. I should like to ask her about the training of an Aes Sedai at the White Tower." She looked back to Terrian, "If that's alright with you, of course."

Terrian smiled slightly, "It would be my pleasure, Lady Eliani," she replied warmly and followed Eliani away from the group with Devin close on her heels. Eliani led to a fairly private corner of the room where they would be able to speak without interruption or prying ears. "I suspect," Terrian said once they were out of earshot of most of the rest of the guests, "that you didn't really wish to speak with me about the training of our initiates. It was a convenient excuse though, considering I’m sure everyone knows your sister died in training. I looked her name up in the novice book. The final entry by Loria Leci's name is that she never emerged from the first test we all must endure."

"Yes, Aes Sedai." Eliani spoke softly, "Even if I hadn't known from your name, the touch of an accent your voice holds gives you away. You're from Amadicia. Amador, unless I miss my guess. You were almost my sister-in-law." Terrian nodded ever so slightly by way of answer. "He loved you so much. He never said it outright in any of his letters, but it was so obvious from the way he wrote about you."

"I know." Terrian said sadly, being entirely open with Eliani as the woman was obviously being with her. There was a very obvious unspoken agreement that neither party would discuss this. After all, they had almost been related by marriage. "Light, I know." She paused not sure if she should ask what she was thinking but deciding for it after a moment. "How is he? Ian, I mean. I haven't heard from in a long time."

"He still loves you, Terrian Dy'ner and you know it." He reply was scathing, "Why did you leave so abruptly? Ian was heartbroken."

"Not because I left, he wasn't. Didn't he mention that it was his troops that pursued me to the Amadician border? That I didn't want to leave but in the end it came down to my love or my life and I chose my life?" She studied Eliani's face. "He didn't, I'm sure. Ian was always too proud to admit that it was his fault. There was nothing stopping him from leaving with me, but he made a choice too. Ian chose duty over love. I don't fault him that, never have I held it against him. I have however moved on, and this is all in my past. I was seventeen when I met Ian and a very different person than I am today. Trust me, if he still knew me, he wouldn't still love me. Ian is still in love with the woman I was at nineteen, when we were betrothed, not the Aes Sedai I have become." Terrian had just finished those words when a servant announced that supper would be served shortly and the process of moving the guests to the dinning room was begun. She didn't wait for Eliani's response before turning and grabbing Devin's hand to go to the dining room.

Terrian finally found Menaihya again as they entered the dinning room and were seated in places of honor. Devin had been placed on the opposite side of Menaihya, and while he didn't seem too happy about this he was doing a fine job of not making a scene for such a young boy. He took instruction in such things very well it turned out, especially when it came from the Amadician Aes Sedai. Devin was simply a quick study for such a young child. Or perhaps the boy was merely very good at mimicking what those around him did, but he was picking up on etiquette very well too. Still, that was not the point really. Terrian watched as Eliani settled into a chair not too far away. If memory served, Eliani had married into what amounted to a very minor branch of the Damodred House, but she was still a Damodred through marriage and that earned her a place of relative honor. They shared a cool glance, with the Cairhienin noblewoman looking away first.

Menaihya leaned over then, "Who is that?"

Terrian smiled a little sadly. "Lady Eliani Leci Damodred. She was almost my sister." Terrian paused and glanced at Eliani again before looking back to her near-sister. "What about you? What did Shae Lorien have to say?"

Menaihya's answer did nothing to improve Terrian's mood.

Drinking and Driving

I think the title says it all, but if you don't get it my point is don't do it. This week my school lost both a current senior and a well known and liked graduate in drinking related incidents. I didn't know either of them personally, but the fact of the matter is that this was one of the worst weeks I've ever had to live through in school. Everyone was just emotionally drained by the time Tuesday was done and we all had to drag ourselves through the rest of the week. Never take the chance that you might not be fit to drive. If you know that you've probably had a little too much to be safe on the roads, or even just walking home, have a friend whose better off than you take you home. Don't put innocent peoples lives at risk.

That's all I have to say.

Calia's Novice Raising

Right, so raisings are the thing every writer on the sight has to do at some point or another. They can be loads of fun to write and really creative because the rules are less binding. This is Calia's raising from novice to Accepted at the White Tower. That's first rank to mid rank, if you're wondering. She's halfway to being an Aes Sedai, a full rank character.

Summoned: Doubt
Calia Selle

"Calia, wait." The novice stopped briefly as commanded and smiled at the girl who came up quickly next to her. "Sloane Sedai is coming behind us." Kitara said softly as Calia began to walk slowly down the hall again, "He's wearing his sash." She added in a tone which implied that was significant, although any novice who had been in the Tower as long as Calia knew that was significant. She knew exactly what that sash on the Master of Novices meant; someone was going to be raised. Whoever it was, she was happy for them. However, she knew that the chances for herself or Kitara were slim. Kitara Dovin hadn't been in the whites long enough yet, just barely three years, and Calia had only just returned after a runaway attempt. She was just beginning to learn how to tap the Power properly; to draw on more than a trickle of her strength. She wasn't ready yet.

"Well, we both know that it's unlikely he's come for one of us, Kitara, so I don't see why you're so excited about it." The Seanchan woman answered with the typical slow drawl as she tossed waves of raven hair over her shoulder. Light, but Kitara was still so naïve sometimes. Neither of them was that close to the ring.

"I'm not that excited. It's just that he's catching up to use with awfully fast so I imagine that we'd at least be expected to stop." The Domani novice smiled mischievously, "You never know, he might be looking for us for some reason other than a raising."

"Oh, you mean like we're both in trouble for that last prank you pulled?" Calia grinned at her once hated roommate, "Thanks, but no thanks. I've served more than enough penance lately." She sighed. "You should have known better than to let a mouse into that Aes Sedai's rooms though." Kitara grinned proudly as both girls came to a stop and turned to face Sloane Sedai with graceful curtsies, well practiced enough that they could drop them even with books in their arms. Calia's blue eyes locked for a moment on the gray fringed sash around the Master of Novices waist. She allowed her gaze to travel up to the Aes Sedai's, finding that he was looking at her. Her heart leapt into her throat in that instant. What had she done to be sought out as such?

"Calia Selle," his voice carried in the hall and the summoned novice's eyes went wide as she recognized the words of ceremony, "it is time. You must ask no questions and follow without delay." Calia nodded calmly, if only to hide the shock she felt internally, and handed her books over to Kitara with a whisper to please take them back to their room for her. Kitara smiled encouragingly as Calia turned from her with her stomach tying itself in knots and her mind reeling at the thought that she had been deemed ready to be raised.

Sloane Sedai led down through hallways Calia had never before seen until she was certain they had to be underground simply because of the chill the air had gained and the way the floor felt cool through her thin slippers. The doors to a large chamber opened on silent flows of Air, or what she had to assume was Air, to reveal the three arches of a ter'angreal within. This was the test all novices both waited anxiously for and dreaded coming. Calia dreaded it more than anything. She wasn't ready yet! It had been barely a few months since she had realized how much she wanted to be an Aes Sedai and that meant it was far too soon for this. "I must tell you now what no one hears until this moment," Sloane said steadily. Calia nodded, looking a little queasy despite the calm she kept her expression schooled to. "The first is this. Once you begin the Testing, you must continue until the end. If you refuse at any point after you've begun, we will have no choice but to see you from the Tower, with enough silver to last you a year." What! But she had only just come to truly know and love this place! They would take it from her so quickly if she failed?

"Second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger within these rings. Some have entered the ter'angreal and were never seen again. We don't know what happened to then, only that they failed to appear when the Arches grew silent. If you would survive, you must be steadfast. Knowing this, do you wish to continue?"

No! Calia's mind screamed at her, made up from the moment she had been told she had a choice to refuse and not be turned away from the Tower just yet. She would refuse, that was her decision. Yet, when she opened her mouth those weren't the words that came out. "I am ready." What under the Light had claimed possession of her and made her say that? Sloane nodded as if her response had been expected and turned slightly, a gesture for which Calia was grateful as she began to strip off her clothes until she stood naked in the cool chamber. Dear Creator this was awkward! Whose idea was this 'clad in the Light' business anyway? Strangely enough, Calia found herself blushing even though the only Aes Sedai looking at her was the Domani who had come forward.

"Whom do you bring with you, Brother?" She spoke clearly.

"One who comes as a Candidate for Acceptance, Sister." Sloane replied with equal ceremonial clearness.

"Is she ready?" Blessed Light! No she is not!

"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."

"Does she know her fears?"

"She has never faced them, but now is willing."

"Then let her face her fears." Calia shuddered. What have I gotten myself into?

Sloane indicated the first arch. "The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Calia hesitated as she stared into that glowing silver light. She closed her eyes. May the Light protect me and the Creator shelter my soul. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the light. It flared around her and then she was gone.


For What Was: Better to be Feared
Calia Selle

Falling. She was falling. Falling through space and time, the darkness between the strings of the Pattern of the Age. For the moment she was perfectly aware of this, of the test she was to undergo, and was unfazed by it. The darkness was comforting, even welcoming. In this instant, she understood all that was necessary for her to understand because the Pattern was laid out before her. It was truth in its purest form that Calia saw, truth to make a White envious. Yet, it was only the briefest flash of sight before she was again without that comprehension; before she was plunged unceremoniously into the horrors of what was in a past long ago. Her spirit struggled against the power that threatened to overtake it – to remain aware – but the will of the test and the strength of another consciousness were far greater than her own. As she slipped into the test the words rang through her mind. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

Dark eyes opened slowly as the light of early morning poured into her bedchamber. Even as she awoke her mind began planning, launching into a list of what had to be done today and how she would avoid the perils which awaited her outside this room. One did not come to rule a nation if they weren't constantly thinking of new ways to escape danger and keep the people loyal. Talai Velaes – Was that who she was? – was no fool, she knew the way to maintain loyalty from these people was not through winning their hearts but through striking terror into their souls. Those weak rulers who wanted love from their subjects fell quickly. No, Talai's subjects feared her wrath more than they feared death; they would fight for her until their last breath passed their lips. It was better to be feared than loved after all, a lesson any woman with her ambition learned quickly if they wanted to live. Talai had wanted to live and had an unquenchable thirst for power. Yes, she maintained only a small country now, but she had plans to rule so much more in the years to come.

As she sat up, Talai allowed the sheets to pool in her lap, not bothering to hold them as covering for her naked form. She moved to rise from the bed only to be caught from behind by a pair of strong arms and drawn back against the chest of her lover. Smiling one of her rare, genuine smiles, she allowed it. After all, had she wanted to all she had to do was but reach for the Power and it would jump to her. She was an Aes Sedai, and she could have stopped this foolishness without lifting a finger. This morning though she was feeling indulgent as she rested comfortably in those arms. "Come now, Talai. Surely you wouldn't be missed if you were to decide too spend but another hour with me this morning?" He whispered suggestively in her ear, and she was tempted to agree. Today would be a poor day for her to give in to such an appealing suggestion though; especially when she knew that one hour would likely turn into more.

"You're right, of course, Varol, I wouldn't be missed." She returned, tilting her head at such an angle as to catch his lips with her own and tease him with the possibility of something more. When she pulled away it was with some reluctance, but the knowledge that she couldn't waste her morning simply at the whim of her lover. She had things to see to, and so did he for that matter. "But both you and I know that too much hinges on our actions in the coming days. A queen and her general can't waste their day in bed together while their country is at war." One might think that she was too kind to Varol, considering her policy of never allowing anyone to get to close. Yet, it would be only a fool who thought she was attached to him. Varol Tylas was as dispensable as any other member of her court; lover or not.

"You're cruel, love." Varol said sulkily as she rose from the bed and made her way to her wardrobe, picking out a dress of blood red satin with gold embroidery. "Don't you have a maid to help you with such things?" Varol quipped as he watched her struggle to do the buttons up her back, he himself already out of bed and half dressed.

"Not when you're around," Talai answered wryly.

"Oh, but I’m not so good at doing up buttons." He joked as he began to do up the row of small buttons, "Undoing them… Well, that's another story altogether." Talai quirked an eyebrow as he finished, resisting the urge to actually roll her eyes.

"That's good," she said, appraising the job in the mirror, "Now get out of here. You're supposed to be inspecting the soldiers today, General."

"Yes, ma'am," He saluted with a silly grin playing on his lips and turned to leave.

"And send in the bloody maid!" The maid was at her side quickly, but not quickly enough. Light, did all her servants have to be incompetent? Drawing on saidar, Talai used Air to slap the girl across the face as punishment for taking too long. It was going to be a very long day if this continued. "Send for my war generals, girl, and be quick about it. Then you will assist me."

"General Tylas just left though, milady. Would you have me call him back?"

"No, fool, I want my other generals. General Tylas has his orders." The girl curtsied hurriedly and went to send for the officers and returned quickly. By the time the generals arrived, the girl had done Talai's dark brown hair in an intricate mass of curls and was beginning to apply cosmetics. The pair, battle hardened men who were loyal only to her, saluted and bowed. "When I say quickly, gentlemen," Talai began, her voice dangerously low, "I mean it. Not at your earliest convenience, not twenty minutes later, but as soon as it is humanly possible for you to arrive from where you are to where I want you." In an instant she held a blade of Spirit at each man's throat, pressed against their skin so they could feel it. "Am I clear?"

"Perfectly, Talai Sedai." They answered in unison.

"Good." She released the blades, "It would have been a shame to have to kill you. Now, report."

"The armies of Luthair Paendrag still march on our borders, we expect that at their current pace they will meet our forces sometime soon after dawn tomorrow." Kaelsar, the elder general whose face was scarred from a past battle with a neighboring Aes Sedai's nation, answered steadily.

"Expected outcome of a battle?" Talai questioned, closing her eyes so the maid could apply kohl.

"Unknown," answered the other general, a young man with a too pretty face named Shasos, "The force which marches on us is not this Luthair Paendrag's full army, but a smaller division which still outnumbers ours. However, we have the advantage of terrain and knowledge of the land."

"And my sister?" Talai questioned reluctantly. Her bloody sister was a pain, but no more irritating than a buzzing fly. The woman was idealistic and foolish, which was why Talai was in charge and not her.

"Laeleil Sedai has done as you asked and joined her forces with ours, agreeing that the good of the nation must come before sibling rivalries." Thank the Light. I can't be fighting enemies from both without and within. "She refuses to join you here though, instead wishing to remain at an inn in the city. She fears for her safety if she is within your walls." And with good reason. But I wouldn't have her killed as long as she fought by my side.

"You two and General Tylas will keep me posted on the fighting once our forces meet those from across the ocean." Talai said in satisfaction, rising as the maid finished by clasping a gold necklace with a ruby pendant around her neck. "Dismissed." The generals saluted again, fists to hearts, and turned simultaneously and their heels to leave. They would see who won this battle. This Luthair Paendrag character had no idea what he was getting himself into.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.


For What Was: The End Justifies the Means
Calia Selle

"I am surrounded by incompetence!" She screamed in frustration a week later, lashing out with the Power at everyone in her sight and gaining intense satisfaction at the suffering she inflicted. "You honestly mean to tell me that they beat our army back to the city walls? Dark One take you all, I don't need such utter lack of progress." Talai rounded on General Shasos in her fury. "You told me we stood a bloody chance! If that was true, why is this city under siege?" She was livid, absolutely enraged, at the stupidity of her top officers. "Can someone explain that to me?"

Laeleil, who had finally agreed to come to the palace two days past, came up behind her and gently laid a hand on Talai's arm. "Sister, perhaps you should calm down and think this through rationally. It is not General Shasos fault that our army has been beaten back."

In a swift, well practiced motion, Talai backhanded Laeleil hard enough that she fell to the floor with blood flowing from a split lower lip. "Shut up, Laeleil. You know nothing of what it takes to be a ruler." Laeleil's attendants rushed quickly to her aid, on of the girls lighting up with the glow of saidar and beginning to form the weave for Healing. Somewhat calmer than before, Talai lashed out again with the Power, this time throwing a sharp edge of Spirit between the girl and the Source to still her. "Damn girl, what part of do not channel in my presence without my express permission did you misunderstand?" The girl's blue eyes were wide with shock as she no doubt was realizing that even though she could sense it, she could no longer reach saidar. "The punishment for that is severing; a sentence I have just carried out." The girl's eyes were welling up with tears as Talai spoke to one of the guards. "Get her out of my sight." This was why Laeleil had risen up against her. Calia didn't believe in training the girls who could channel. If they were trained they had power to challenge her so it was better to let them die. Laeleil thought they deserved a chance to learn and had gathered a sizeable force of girls; girls who were now using the Power as part of Talai's army.

"You didn't have to do that, Talai." Laeleil said thickly around her swollen and bleeding lip. "She was only trying to help."

Talai sneered at her sister. "When will you learn, Laeleil? We are all the same; we thirst for power. When they have learned all they may from you those girls will stab you in the back faster than you can blink. It is better if you just let them die of the sickness."

"I don't believe that." Laeleil answered softly.

"Well then you are a naïve fool, as I've always said you were." Talai turned to two of the girls who she recognized as being able to channel. "Link and shield my sister," One of the girls looked as if she was about to say something defiant as she met Talai's dark gaze, "Or I'll sever you both. I'm not too concerned with which you choose." Glaring defiance the whole time the two linked, saidar lighting around them in a pale comparison to Talai's power, and wove the net of Spirit that would cut Laeleil off from the Source. "That's right girls; I'm in charge around here." The girls didn't seem to understand the significance of that so she added, "If it was up to me you'd all be dead, so don't displease me." Ah, yes. There were the looks of fear she had been hoping for. Such a motivator, fear was. She barely had to lift a finger.

The way Talai saw it, she now had two options. First was to fight, to see this siege through to the end which would likely result in defeat. Second was to work out agreeable terms with the enemy commander. When it came to which option was better, well, Talai already had the terms she would set the commander in mind – as well as what she would offer in return. "General Kaelsar, send word to the commander of Paendrag's forces that I should like to call a brief truce to discuss terms of surrender and peace." Kaelsar looked surprised for only a moment, though it was hard to tell with that scar on his face, before saluting and exiting quickly to carry out her wishes. "General Tylas, you are with me. When the commander accepts, which he will, we must be ready to go out and meat with him because he will not enter the walls of this city until we have either reached a truce agreement or I am dead." Varol saluted and fell in behind her as she exited her war room and made her way to the stables for her horse.

It was when they were alone; riding for the city gates and toward the enemy, that Varol finally spoke. "Are you sure this is a good idea, love? I mean, we've heard stories of what they do to Aes Sedai and it doesn't sound so pleasant."

"Varol," Talai cautioned dangerously, "you will not question my judgment in these matters. I rule this nation, not you, even if we do share a bed. You would do well to remember that."

"Of course, milady." He answered mildly, making a seated bow from the saddle of his mount and falling silent for the rest of the ride. When they reached the city gates it was only a few minutes until the messenger Kaelsar had sent returned with word that the commander would see her and a guard he had sent to escort her. Talai smiled coldly at the messenger and rode out to meet the guards with Varol only a nose behind. The tent of the army's commander was in the center of the encampment, a large structure divided into rooms by flaps of canvas. When she entered with Varol at her back the only man inside was a tall and darkly handsome man in the uniform of an officer.

"I am Captain Sarys Tadal, in command of this army." He spoke with confidence and a bow.

"I am Talai Velaes Sedai, I rule this country." She stated plainly with a slight inclination of her head. "This is my general, Varol Tylas." Varol nodded to the Captain. "We have come to discuss terms of surrender which would be agreeable to both sides."

"That's brave of you, considering I'm sure you've heard what we do to women claiming the title of Aes Sedai." Captain Tadal stated boldly, "I'll listen though, if only because you're so easy on the eyes, Talai Sedai." His dark gaze looked over her lecherously and she could hear Varol loosening his sword in its scabbard as she stepped a little closer to the Captain.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it." She said in a low voice, realizing she could play the Captain's obvious lust to her advantage. The end justified the means. "My terms are quite simple. I surrender my country to you and in return, I do not face the fate of being leashed I've heard about. I have a basic idea of how those things work, and I know that I could wear the bracelet as well. If you grant me that I'll also deliver a strong Aes Sedai, my own sister, to take my place as leashed."

"No good," Sarys said, stepping closer himself, "I'm about to capture your country as it is, and when I do I'll have two strong Aes Sedai to be leashed."

Talai closed the rest of the distance between them, standing so close that it would have been near impossible to draw much closer. "Well," she said breathily, "perhaps I could sweeten the deal a little then."

Sarys smiled and wrapped his arms around her, "Perhaps you could." With that he bent his head to kiss her and the ring of steel could be heard distinctly from Varol's direction.

"Take your hands off her."

Gently disengaging from the Captain's embrace, Talai turned to Varol "You've outlived your usefulness, dear. I told you not to interfere." It took only moments for her to stop his heart with the Power. "Consider that another…" She trailed off as she turned back to Captain Tadal. There, behind the Captain, was a silver arch. With that vision, memory came flooding back. "Gift." She finished the statement lamely. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. She closed her dark eyes. She was not Talai Velaes, she was Calia Selle. Talai Velaes had died long ago, in the Conquest. Still, she could change that if she stayed; change her own family's history. Not only that, but she could have power. She could be a sul'dam again. Talai reasoned it was enough reason to stay. Yet, Calia knew that once Luthair Paendrag discovered sul'dam, Aes Sedai who had agreed to be leash holders – like Talai – would be collared as well. Dark eyes still closed, she launched herself through the arch she knew was there.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

When she finally opened her eyes they were again blue and she felt the distinct need to be sick at the thought of all the blood on her hands. The betrayals, the ruined lives, the cold-blooded murders. Calia fell to her knees and retched at the memories that burned into her mind. Memories of a life lived that hadn't been hers. A chalice of cool water washed over her as she wiped the vomit from her chin. "You are washed clean of what sin you may have done, and of those done against you," the words were those of ceremony, not truth. Calia very much doubted she would ever feel clean again. "You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul." She didn't feel pure, in heart or soul. Both ached, knowing without having to ask that what she had seen had been the truth. That had been the life Talai Velaes had lived, and Calia had been born of her line centuries later. Somehow she just knew it to be true.

"Are you alright, child?" Sloane asked as he guided her to the second arch. Somehow, after being Talai, she was no longer shamed by the idea of a man seeing her without clothes and didn't blush.

"I'm fine." Calia said simply. She had to go on now. She had begun the test, she could no longer refuse. Sloane looked at her with only a hint of concern before continuing.

"The second time is for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Calia didn't hesitate this time, but stepped into the arch as soon as the words had left Sloane's lips. After all, how much worse could this test possibly get?


For What Is: Like it Never Was
Calia Selle

Calia cried out in pain and let loose a string of curses fit to make even the most seasoned soldier blush as the pale-haired sul'dam straightened her arm to a more natural position than the odd angle it had hung limply at. "Dammit Jenian! You couldn't be gentler? I need that arm." She gasped and cursed again as Jenian shifted something else with ruthless precision and a healer's confident touch. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Calia blinked at those words, confused, but shook off the feeling quickly. Gripping the edge of the bed with her good arm, the raven-haired sul'dam glared daggers at her fellow sul'dam.

"Don't you give me that look, Calia Selle." Jenian chided as she finished and brought over a damane, "I'm being as gentle as I can, but your arm is broken in three places – one of them straight through. Not to mention that your shoulder is dislocated." Calia glanced at the damane as Jenian paused to give the girl instructions; she could tell instantly when the grey swathed woman held saidar and had begun to weave Healing around her arm. As the first weave touched her skin, Calia shuddered. Even after sixteen years she still hated to be touched by the filth of the Power. "Honestly," Jenian continued ad she turned her attention once again on her patient, "how could you allow Juri to injure you this badly? And how did she survive the backlash of pain through the a'dam?"

"What do you mean how could I allow her to injure me this badly?" Calia questioned incredulously, "It's not as if I held out my arm and told her to break it three times! She just came flying at me when I went to get her from the kennels." She was beginning to feel better now that the bones in her arm were knitting themselves back together. "You know Juri has always been difficult with me. I've never been able to break her of it." Jenian nodded sympathetically as she worked with the damane to Heal the bones. "As for how she survived; I was able to remove the bracelet quickly enough to spare her most of the pain. If I had let it go on much longer she would have completely lost her mind to it, if not her life. She had passed out already. Her body could take the stress, even if it wasn't her pain she was feeling." Again, Jenian nodded and patted her own damane – Mia, a girl taken here if Calia's memory served – on the head for a job well done.

"Alright, this is going to hurt, Calia, but you'll be as good as new." Jenian took hold of her injured arm, "You might want to hold on to something." Calia gripped the edge of the bed tightly with one hand as the other sul'dam popped her shoulder back into its socket. She cringed, but kept quiet this time as Jenian finished. Carefully, she was helped to get her arm back in the sleeve of her dress; it had been taken out to see the full extent of the damage. That done and her gown buttoned up the back, Jenian moved on to putting Calia's arm in a sling. "How are you going to punish Juri?" She asked conversationally as she fitted the folded triangle of fabric around Calia's neck.

"I'm not." The other sul'dam answered truthfully. Jenian barely stifled a shocked gasp before Calia qualified the answer with, "Der'sul'dam Moiria finally had enough. As I am the only sul'dam who has trouble with Juri she has decided that I will no longer be allowed to work with her. She told me it is no fault of my own; merely an issue with the damane. I believe her exact words were 'If the tool is defective even a master craftsman will be unable to use it.'"

Jenian smiled. "She has picked up some of the strangest references since crossed the Aryth. She would have never said that when we were in the same classes, learning how to act as sul'dam." She adjusted the sling slightly. "There. You'll need to wear that for a few days, but your arm will be fine after that."

"Thank you, Jenian. You've trained Mia quite well considering what she was." Calia glanced at the ageless features of the damane's face.

"Well, once she realized she was a damane for the rest of her life she came around quite nicely." She drew the damane over. "Thank Calia for her generous compliment, Mia."

"Thank you, Mistress." Mia murmured with her head down, eyes glued to the ground at her feet. Calia patted her head warmly as her way of thanks. The girl had once been of what the Aes Sedai called the Yellow Ajah, or marath'damane who learned to Heal exceptionally well.

Jenian frowned at Calia. "You're trying to distract me, aren't you?" Calia smiled innocently. It had been worth a try. "I'm recommending that you don't attempt to train and of the damane until that arm is fully healed. Don't try to get der'sul'dam Moiria to overturn my decision either. I'll be explaining exactly why you're unfit to do so if I have to." Calia frowned, but nodded her acceptance just the same. "Good. Now go to the dining hall and eat something. Your body will need the energy now that Mia has Healed you." Calia nodded and got up from the bed she sat on, holding her arm carefully in its sling as she made her way to the door of what had become the infirmary for the sul'dam and damane and exited toward the dining hall. Jenian had been right, Calia was starving and exhausted from the Healing. That was to be expected, although most wouldn't have asked for Healing to begin with. Calia had learned after her first bout of foolishness about not being touched with the Power that it was easier simply to let the damane work their filthy saidar across her and be done with it. After all, what was a moment of discomfort compared to a week of pain?

Upon arriving in the sul'dams' dining hall, the damane were fed in the kennels and thus there were few to be seen here unless they were being rewarded by a sul'dam, Calia got a tray of the day's lunch and sat to eat. She had only just begun, and was realizing how difficult it was to eat without her right arm, when one of the younger sul'dam, a girl named Lena who was tested and found capable of being a leash holder on this side of the Aryth Ocean, came up quietly next to her. "Calia," She said softly, her voice sounding hurried to Calia's ears because of the odd accent of the people here. They all spoke so quickly! "Der'sul'dam Moiria wishes to see you. I think she meant right away." The older sul'dam sighed as she looked at the young, Domani sul'dam. Poor timing that woman had.

"Oh." Calia answered lamely. "Thank you, Lena." Taking her napkin from her lap and setting it on the table Calia rose, with little grace due mainly to her injury, and left for the der'sul'dam's office. Damn, but she had been hungry and now she would miss lunch. Well, so things were. She was used to it by now. Moiria had a reputation for being as hard on the sul'dam she commanded as she was on the damane she trained, but Calia knew the real Moiria was actually very gentle. Like most sul'dam they had a way they handled people and damane in public which was strict but it would vary from one sul'dam to the next in private. There were some who truly enjoyed being cruel and others who favored kindness. Calia had always taken a middle road, showing her damane that she didn't care one way or the other so long as they did was they were told.

When Calia arrived, Moiria was waiting. With a bow to her superior, Calia waited patiently to be acknowledged. It didn't take long. "I have a task for you, Calia." She said, eyes lingering for a moment on the sling. "There is a particularly difficult damane who was recently captured and needs proper training. I'm putting you in charge. I think you have just the right touch for this one." Calia smiled. The difficult ones were always the most fun.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.


For What Is: And Never Will Be
Calia Selle

Defying the clear orders of Jenian to stay away from the damane until her arm healed and choosing to act on the orders of the higher ranked der'sul'dam Moiria instead, Calia entered the room of the new damane with every ounce of calm haughtiness she possessed and fastened the bracelet of the poor creature's a'dam around her wrist. "What is your name, damane?" She questioned pleasantly, testing the waters and attempting to gauge the state of her new pet's training. The grey-clad girl – she always thought of damane as girls, women would acknowledge their humanity – looked up at her with an ageless face and hazel eyes filled with fire. For the briefest moment, the whisper of a memory flashed through Calia's mind as she thought she recognized this golden-haired former Aes Sedai, but it faded as quickly as it had come. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. "Well? I asked you a question. When you are asked a question you are expected to answer." Her voice was deathly calm as she watched the damane writher in agony from the sensation of nettles prickling every inch of her skin that she would now be feeling. It was a mild punishment, and Calia enjoyed watching the girl struggle with herself to decide if it was worth the pain.

"Terrian," The girl finally forced out and Calia allowed the sensation to fade, "Terrian Dy'ner Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah." Calia blinked, the name sounding familiar even as she sensed defiance through the a'dam, but remained focused on the task at hand.

"Tsk. And you were doing so well too." Calia watched unfeelingly as the damane curled in on herself to attempt to escape the unseen thorns that pricked her. "Had you been a good girl I might have allowed you to keep your name. You had to be defiant though, didn't you? From now on, your name is Silvi." Calia paused, allowed Silvi to absorb this new name as she struggled against the punishment she was still being subjected to. "Now, what is your name?"

Somehow, she fought off the pain and looked directly into Calia's eyes. "My name is Terrian."

"Wrong." Calia shook her head and punctuated the answer with the sensation of a switch falling across Silvi's back as she stopped the thorns. "And never look your Mistress in the eye." Another switching, "Now, let's try again. What is your name?"

"Terrian." The damane cried out as that same sensation of a switch flowed from Calia to her.

"Still wrong. What is you're name?"

The hazel gaze fell to the floor as the sul'dam could sense her charge was wearing down and an answer was mumbled. "What was that? You mustn't mumble."

"Silvi," she said louder, "my name is Silvi."

Calia smiled a pleased smile. This former Aes Sedai had been worn down already, she was willing to given in faster. "Good girl, Silvi. You are beginning to understand, I see. But you are not to refer to yourself as 'me' or 'I' anymore. You are not a person, Silvi." The girl looked up at her in horror, hazel eyes locking on blue before the invisible switch reminded her to cast her eyes downward. "You must never look a sul'dam in the eye, Silvi. I just explained that. People look other people in the eyes, and you are not a person. What are you, Silvi?"

"Silvi is a damane," came the hesitant answer, "Mistress."

"Good girl." The raven-haired sul'dam spoke as to her favorite pet and stroked the damane's golden hair lightly. "You learn quickly. You even remembered to call me Mistress that time. Now, I want to you channel for me. Show me the most complex thing you know." Silvi nodded and held saidar in mere moments, beginning to weave a thing Calia didn't recognize which coalesced into a shimmering blue slash, rotating and opening to a dark platform. It was a weave the sul'dam recognized from encounters with those calling themselves Asha'man; something the Seanchan had been trying desperately to capture a marath'damane who could weave it to learn. Calia was so captivated by the portal into darkness that she did not notice the odd look her damane was giving her. Something had caught Silvi's attention.

"Dear Creator, you can see them." She said softly, seeming to come out of a trance. "You can see the flows of the Power, can't you?" Calia started, realizing that what she had been staring at had indeed seemed to be faint, silver threads. "You can channel you know." Silvi continued. "If you can see the weave you can channel too."

Calia had had enough and the invisible switching began anew. "Silvi," her voice was stern, "you will stop this foolishness. Sul'dam simply develop an affinity for such things the longer we work with the a'dam. Now, stop channeling." She stopped. "Good. Now, every one of you Aes Sedai says that sul'dam can channel and every time they find they were wrong, so don't cause trouble." Silvi frowned, but remained silent. "Normally, for showing me such a mastery of channeling, I would reward a damane. You haven't done anything to deserve it though, Silvi. Instead, we will be going to see der'sul'dam Moiria. I'm sure she would like to see your trick."

"I won't show her." Calia frowned and the damane corrected herself. "Silvi won't show her."

"Yes, Silvi will. Silvi will find that the der'sul'dam is not as kind as Mistress Calia if she doesn't." Calia was able to quickly move through the halls from the damane kennels to Moiria's office with Silvi in tow. When they arrived, Moiria looked slightly confused but indulgent as well. Giving the bracelet to the der'sul'dam Calia looked at Silvi. "Show her what you showed me, Silvi." Silvi did so with only minor coaxing from Moiria and the der'sul'dam was delighted.

"Calia, you'll be made der'sul'dam yourself for this." The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. There, looming off to the side, was a shining, silver arch; and with it came memory. Calia ignored it as she listened to Moiria command Silvi to show her other amazing things. This was what she had always wanted after all, to be offered a promotion to der'sul'dam. Truthfully, she had never really given up on this dream, even when she had dedicated herself to being Aes Sedai. She could be so much more if she stayed! This was the price she had to pay for a ring! Light, until this moment she had never realized how desperately she had wanted this. She could have what she had once dedicated her life to. No, she would stay. The arch flickered.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. No! She didn't want to be steadfast. She had what she wanted here! To stay though, she had to give up so much. Ten years of hardship, a sister, friends, and channeling. Yes, she would never again feel sweet saidar rushing through her if she stayed. Never would she be so full of life she felt like she would burst from it. Not if she stayed, and that was the deciding factor. She didn't think she could live without the Power coursing through her veins. She stepped to the side, gaining a shocked look from Moiria, and tripped; falling trough the arch.

The way back will came but once. Be steadfast.

She landed with her right arm outstretched to catch herself on the cool tiles. The weakened shoulder gave out on her though as she struggled to push herself up, knowing that the shoulder would likely always plague her with periods of weakness from this day forth. It had begun to mend itself and not even Healing could undo that damage that had been done. "Light, what have I given up for this?" She murmured. She gave so much to gain so little. She gave up the title of der'sul'dam, a most coveted position. So much she had never realized she wanted so desperately. It had felt so good, so right, to be complete with a damane again. To sense their thoughts, to be in complete control of their power, was exhilarating. She missed it now. She needed something to fill the emptiness it had left within her. Of course, she had it. It was the reason she had returned; to channel again, to strive to be an Aes Sedai.

Cool water washed over again, the most welcome sensation against her warm skin. She turned her face up into the end of the stream of water from the chalice, letting it wash away the tears that had been shed when she thought of what she gave up. "You are washed clean," the voice of a sister spoke in ceremonial tones, "of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul." Calia wanted to laugh. Ambition and pride. Those were what she had given up to return and now she was washed clean of them. How ironic it as that the ancient words of ceremony could know such a thing. Yet still, she didn't feel clean. She still remembered the cruelties of Talai Velaes that she had despised and even fresher in her mind were the cruelties she had been willing to commit to be a der'sul'dam. Light, how could she be so disgusted by one and still find the other so enticing? Why didn't she feel she was clean?

Calia was calm as the Master of Novices guided her to the final arch. "The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Only once more did she have to endure this. This was the third and final arch. One more time, and she would be an Accepted of the White Tower; what she had given up so much and endured great pain for. This was the end. She stepped through the arch, this time without hurry or hesitation. She would be steadfast.


For What Will Be: Go No Further
Calia Selle

Stumbling from the arch, Calia fell to her knees and allowed herself to be carried away by the sea of sorrow that had overcome her as the chalice full of water was poured over her head. "You are washed clean of false pride." The Aes Sedai said calmly, with little emotion but cool serenity, "You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul." Calia looked up; positive she wasn't clean but resigned to what was to come. Somehow, she got to her feet again and allowed herself to be guided to the final arch. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Her mind was blank, and as the words floated through the dark corners of her mind she dismissed them as mere memory of the second arch. She was so close to finishing this test as she stood before the third arch of the ter'angreal that she could almost taste it.

"The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Even as the words were spoken, they echoed again inside her mind. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Something in her broke then; or maybe it had been broken all along. As she gazed into the light, she knew she couldn't go through it all again. If she went on, she would fail. Yet, she wanted this so badly! Was it worth her life though? Calia thought about it for a long moment, wondering if it was worth risking her life, before she turned away from the light-filled arch with glistening eyes. She would not cry! Not now! She could cry for what she was about to give up later, but not here in this place.

"I can't," she said quietly and looked Sloane Sedai in the eye, "I just can't go on. I can't be steadfast any longer." She paused, praying that she had made the right decision. When she spoke again, her voice trembled ever so slightly. "I refuse."

Calia wished she could read the expression in the Master of Novices' features, but she had heard a gasp from at least one of the Aes Sedai behind her. Sloane looked at her and spoke the words so few ever heard, "By the Light, the Tower accepts your refusal," he replied to her refusal. "By the Light, your designation as initiate is revoked, and your name shall be stricken from the Novice book. By the Light, you are to be seen safely and swiftly from the White Tower, to make your way in the world as you see fit." Calia smiled grimly. To make her way in the world as she saw fit? She had no place in the world any longer, and no idea where to begin a new life.

"The Creator shelter you, and the Light keep you whole." Calia nodded and quickly put on the only clothes she had to wear: her novice whites. It was a painful reminder of what she was giving up because she was too weak to carry on. She simply wanted to put this all behind her, and she would. Quickly she hoped as she was led up to the above ground levels of the Tower by Sloane Sedai until they had to part ways. Calia went back to her room for the last time, to gather what little she had there, and the Master of Novices went to find a dress for her as well as silver to last a year as the Tower promised all who refused to continue. Calia had only just arrived back in her room when an Accepted came with the clothes and silver. Must they remind her so soon of what she had lost?

"Sloane Sedai wished me to inform you that as soon as you are ready you must leave. I will escort you from the Tower." The Accepted smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, child." Calia nodded and changed quickly into the dress of dark blue wool, tying the coin to her belt and meeting the Accepted in the hall she allowed herself to be led from the Tower in silence. Where she would go now she didn't know, but she didn't want to stay in Tar Valon any longer than she had to. No, she had no desire to be forced to live in the same city as those of the White Tower. She couldn't live with the shame of knowing she had given up. It didn't take her long to make her way to South Harbor and book passage on a ship to Aringill. From there, she thought she might like to go to Caemlyn and see if she could start a life there. Or maybe she would continue to travel. She would go where the wind blew here, maybe even back to the Seanchan. She would be made a damane, but at least it would fill this void within her. Let the Wheel weave as the Wheel willed.

---

A few weeks later, Calia had arrived in Caemlyn and found it to be more like the cities she remembered; cities that weren't Tar Valon. Right down to the way her remaining silver had been stolen by a common pickpocket almost as soon as she had arrived on the docks. She had tried to stop the boy, but had been far to slow and the city guard couldn't help her. Damn it all, but this wouldn't have happened in Tar Valon! White Tower initiates deserved respect! There it was though; initiates deserved respect. Calia was no longer of the White Tower; she couldn't claim that she was a novice anymore. As Calia felt the tears begin to fill her eyes she stopped and leaned against a nearby building. Sinking to the ground, she hung her head and finally allowed herself to cry. Light, what was she going to do? She had no money, no place to stay, and not a single skill to earn a living with. Sure, she could channel but that did no good unless she also had the title of Aes Sedai. Those who were Aes Sedai would shut her down quickly if she attempted to use the Power to make a living. She could go to the Black Tower, surely they would take her, but that held now appeal for her. She had been part of an army once and no longer held any desire to do harm. Not to mention the memories of what little of the test she had endured still burned in her mind. No, she was not fit for the Black Tower.

She didn't know how long she had simply sat there as the city thrived around her, but it was growing late by the time someone finally disturbed her silent self-pity. "Well," A female voice said, "Aren't you a pretty little thing." Calia looked up at the speaker, wiping at her eyes as she did so, and saw a woman who would be described as beautiful by any definition of the word smiling down at her. She had curves in all the right places and moved with such grace as was rarely seen on the streets. Flipping a sheet of red hair over her shoulder, the woman crouched easily in front of Calia and held out a handkerchief to her. A small, appreciative smile crossed Calia's features as she took the cloth and dabbed at her eyes with it. "What's a nice girl like you doing sitting here all alone and crying? How about telling me what the matter is? Maybe I could be of assistance."

Calia laughed bitterly at this, "Only if you can work miracles. I've nowhere to stay tonight and no money to pay for a room at an inn." Light what a mess she had gotten herself into.

"Well then I can help you." The woman said matter-of-factly. "So long as you're willing to work for it, I can arrange for a room for you as well as coin for your service." This sounded too good to be true.

"I doubt I have what skills would be necessary for any job, mistress." Calia answered respectfully. "You see, I've never learned any trade to support myself."

"Oh, I think you have more than enough skill for this work, dear." The woman replied, eyeing Calia appraisingly. "It pays well too." The former novice felt like she had a pretty good idea where this was going, but what choice did she have? She understood perfectly well what the woman was offering; she was offering her an opportunity to be taken in by a brothel so long as she was willing to sell her body to make the coin to support herself. Personally, Calia had always despised women who were willing to sink so low as prostitution. Now it seemed she had no choice but to become one of those women she had always looked down upon. She had no choice though? After all, she had said it herself; she had no worthwhile skills but channeling. The only thing she had was her body. It was a thing she hadn't thought on in all her years in the whites, but she knew she looked good. Men very much liked how she looked while there were women who envied it. Calia had always known, but could she do what this beautiful stranger was proposing? "What to you say, dear?"

Calia's hands balled into fists in her skirts as she said the words that shamed her more than anything – even refusing the test. "Alright, I'll do it." The woman smiled, green eyes glittering in the long rays of the sun at dusk.

"I thought you'd say that." She stood and then helped Calia to her feet. "I'm Verlas, by the way, dear. You can think of me as a mentor and friend from now on."

The Seanchan woman nodded and spoke softly. "I'm Calia." You can think of me as a former novice of the White Tower turned prostitute of a Caemlyn brothel.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.


For What Will Be: Return to Us
Calia Selle

The years after that day when she had met Verlas in the streets of Caemlyn passed with little incident and only the occasional disturbance to an otherwise peaceful life. Calia found her shame and disgust with what she had become faded as time went by, until one day she found that she had ceased to hate it. In fact, it wasn't a bad life. Admittedly, the first night with a patron had been difficult, but it became easier as time went on. Light, but she even found herself able to enjoy it now! There was a long dark corner in her mind, where her Seanchan and novice sensibilities resided, which told her she ought to be ashamed of what she had become; that it would have been better to die in the test than this. She had long since stopped listening to the small voice and allowed herself to adapt to her new life. At least, that was what she told herself in those moments when she doubted the decisions she had made over the years. What path might her life have taken had she gone through that final arch? Or what would have become of her if she had turned down Verlas offer? These were the things she pondered as she looked at herself in the mirror, seeing a face the woman she had been only a few years before would have never recognized. Was what she had become what she was meant to be?

The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. She concluded with a smile. Even years later she could still hear the voice of an Aes Sedai speaking those words in her mind. That single phrase had never left her, even when her rank as an initiate had been revoked. Yet, she had learned to avoid speaking it. The one time she had, Elora, a woman from Lugard and the establishment's owner, had commented that she sounded quite a bit like an Aes Sedai. Calia had merely smiled and replied that she had visited Tar Valon before. As much as she had come to think of many of the girls at the White Swan as family she had no desire to share her past as a novice of the White Tower with them, or to somehow explain to them the fact that she could indeed still channel. Worse yet, she was strong enough in the Power that she could have gained the shawl but had little idea how to properly use it aside from basic weaves. She had never stopped practicing though, and attempting to teach herself. Her control and her strength had both increased greatly since her novice days.

Rising from the vanity, and making sure all her paints and powders were properly sealed, Calia moved with the graceful swaying walk of a woman confidant in herself and the beauty of her body as she left the room that was solely hers and went downstairs. The building was divided up so that girls with no other place to live had rooms on the premises, mostly on the third floor, and the rooms on the second floor were for entertaining patrons. Had it been night, the sounds of pleasure one would typically associate with a brothel would have been heard. However, seeing as it was nearly midday, that wasn't the case as Calia descended, pale blue skirts of a Domani cut dress swirling about her ankles. "Well," Lyani, one of the girls who had been born and raised in Caemlyn, called as Calia appeared, "Look who has finally decided to grace us with her presence. Morning, Tears." Calia smiled, enduring the customary banter with grace. Light, but she had only ever cried the morning after the first time! Lyani had a long memory though, and the nickname had stuck.

"And a hello to you to, Lyani." The Seanchan woman returned dryly. Something was different this morning, for morning it was though nearing afternoon; something Calia couldn't quite place.

"Come over and meet our new girl, Calia. She walked in looking for employment just a little while ago." Verlas said warmly, beckoning with an outstretched hand. Calia walked over slowly, looking appraisingly at the new one. A girl with dark hair and eyes with skin like alabaster. Nothing was particularly remarkable about the girl, nothing stood out but the fact that she was certainly pretty. That was, nothing until Calia felt something recognizable. Catching the girl's gaze with her own, she felt the instant sense of familiarity between them and knew for sure what she had felt before had been no fluke. The girl could channel. She had already had her first touching, that much even Calia could tell, and likely needed training or she would die of it. The former novice had never dreamed she would be so close to someone who could channel saidar again, but here she was.

"Hello," the girl said, still looking Calia straight in the eye, "I'm Siril."

Calia blinked, dumbstruck but knowing the girl had likely felt the familiarity too and didn't know what it meant. "I'm Calia." She said with a smile. Her gaze shifted from Siril to Elora. "Elora, would it be alright with you if I showed Siril to her new room and showed her how things work around here?"

Elora looked curiously at her. "Calia in all your years here I've never known you to volunteer for such a thing." She smiled. "Go ahead." Calia nodded and placed her hand on Siril's arm. The girl jumped but allowed herself to be guided up to the third floor.

"Dear Creator, relax child!" Calia said with a light laugh; which was only slightly forced as her mind was working to comprehend what was happening. "I'm not a patron; you have no need to be so nervous. I’m just going to get you set up in your new home, that's all." Opening a door, Calia ushered the girl in and closed the door behind them. Dropping all pretenses, she turned to the girl with a serious look. "Did you know you could channel?"

"I can what?" Siril answered the demand with a question.

Calia rolled her blue eyes and embraced saidar, weaving three balls of bluish light and guiding them in circles around the girl. "Channel girl. This that I'm doing now. You can touch the True Source."

She stumbled backward, tripping onto the bed. "Are you an Aes Sedai?"

"No, but I can teach you to control the Power." Calia sat down on the bed next to Siril. "Now close your eyes and do as I say no matter how foolish it may sound."

---

The weeks after Siril's arrival were more eventful than any that had passed before. Calia secretly tutored Siril in saidar during her free time, teaching her the ins and outs of basic control as they were taught at the White Tower. It took Siril three days to be able to reliably embrace saidar and another three to create her first weave that didn't collapse, but after that she proved to be a quick learner with a sharp mind. She had inquired about the White Tower only once that first day, and Calia had shared her story with the girl. All of her story, even the test. She wanted to spare the girl that pain by not sending her to the Tower. Siril had not asked about since. She seemed content to spend her days learning from the former novice. Truthfully, Siril would have spent her nights learning too had that not been when they earned their living. For that matter, Calia would have gladly spent her nights teaching the girl.

It was about a month after Siril's arrival that what Calia had always feared occurred. An Aes Sedai came to the White Swan, offering to do free medical exams on all the women to see that they were kept healthy. Elora had gladly agreed to the idea; always in the business of looking out for her pseudo family. When the woman, whom Calia had met before and recognized as Lina Sedai of the Yellow Ajah, had introduced herself to the others Siril was one of the first to go to be examined. Calia could have cursed, knowing that she should have told Siril to stay away from Aes Sedai but had never had the chance. Yet she kept silent, watching as Lina Sedai's eyes went momentarily wide. "Did you know you could channel, child?" Siril opened her mouth to answer, but Calia stepped forward from the back. She was tempted to embrace saidar, but old novice habits won out and she resisted.

"She did, Aes Sedai." Calia spoke for Siril, dropping a well practiced curtsey as a result of the same set of novice habits. Every eye in the room turned to look at her.

"Good Light! Child you can channel as well." Lina Sedai frowned. "You're exceptionally strong for a Wilder though. You're both a bit old, but I'll take you back to Tar Valon straight away."

Calia shook her head. "Aes Sedai, I'm nearing my fortieth nameday. I'm far too old for novice whites. Besides, I've already spent ten years as a novice; I was put out when I refused to continue after the second arch of my test for Acceptance." She smiled as she saw recognition in the woman's face. "Yes, you remember. Calia Selle of Noren M'Shar, Seanchan." This earned another round of gasps. She had suppressed the Seanchan accent since she had been put out and never told anyone where she was from. No one had known.

"Creator preserve me." The Yellow sister murmured. "Jocelyn is an Aes Sedai of the Red Ajah now." Calia smiled, proud of the twin she had thought on everyday for years. "I'm going to take the girl with me, Calia. I never thought to find a former novice as well as a future one in a brothel."

The Seanchan woman finally lit with the Power, "You won't take Siril, Aes Sedai."

"She needs to learn!"

"I can teach her all she needs to know. I won't let her be put through what I was." The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

"I will and you can't stop me, child." The silver arch appeared with those words, Calia could sense it behind her as memory flooded back. She hadn't failed the test! She could still be Accepted if she went back now. But was it worth letting Siril lose her freedom to the White Tower as she had? She could stop Lina Sedai; she knew she was stronger, but she found that the pull of the arch was stronger than her desire to save Siril some pain. Silently begging forgiveness for abandoning a girl she had said she would help, Calia stepped backward into the light.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

She stood still after exiting the arch, thinking of the sweet girl she had left to the cruelties of the White Tower. She had known what the girl would eventually face – a test Calia would not wish upon her worst enemy – and had been selfish enough to come back. She thought she had failed though, and the realization that she still had a chance to succeed had been so much more tempting than what she would receive for staying. At least, that was what she told herself as she knelt and the final chalice of water was emptied over her head. "You are washed clean of Calia Selle of Noren M'Shar." The Amyrlin said as the water trickled over Calia's skin. "You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Calia Selle, Accepted of the White Tower." The Amyrlin Seat reached out and helped her to rise, "You are sealed to us, now."

Taking Calia's left hand, the Amyrlin handed the chalice to another Aes Sedai and slipped the Great Serpent ring on the Seanchan woman's finer. "Welcome, daughter." Defying all logic, Calia had asked no questions; she had never demanded to know if it was real. All that mattered was that she had lived through it, and that made it as real to her as anything she had ever experienced. It didn't matter anyway. All that mattered was that she had made it; she was an Accepted.

Calia and Jocelyn's Novice MRP With Assistance from Terrian

Alright, so on the Wheel of Time RP site this was one of the things that each character has to have written at some point known as an MRP or Major Role Play. I'm pretty proud of this one because it got recognized in the monthly recognitions as an excellent bit of writing. So here we go, enjoy it!

MRP I: A Plan Forms
Novice Calia Selle

The quill scratched softly across the parchment in the stillness of night in the White Tower, leaving a line of flowing script in its wake. A novice with waves of flowing black hair sat bent over a piece of parchment, choosing her words carefully as she wrote by the pale light of a weaving of saidar that was quite against the rules. That orb, the Power that had created it, was precisely her reason for writing in the small hours of the night as her roommate slept soundly. That she had so complacently used the Power to aid her tonight; that was why she now wrote out her plan in carefully cryptic language. She was growing used to this life. Like a marath'damane she yearned to hold saidar for the simple joy of life it provided; it was like a drug, this Power, and she didn’t know how – or if – she could give it up. These things she felt – longing, envy, joy – they scared her like nothing else ever had. She wasn't simply bending to the will of the White Tower; she was breaking against its might. What scared her was that she felt as if she didn't care, as if breaking might not be as bad as she had once thought. That was why it was time to escape. She had to do it now, or she would lose her nerve and fall into the trap she had sworn to herself she would never fall into. She would turn traitor like at least two before her if she didn't go soon, and she refused to turn her back on her people.

After ten years, the woman had finally found someone willing to carry a letter to Ebou Dar for her despite the danger. The only catch was they left at dawn, she had to have her letter finished tonight or it would never be delivered and the novice would lose her one and only chance. The night she would enact her plan was less than half a week away and for this letter to arrive before her it had to go out with this messenger. It was all laid out in her mind. Wintersnight would be upon the White Tower when she fled, the Aes Sedai would be too busy with their party, or too drunk with the other revelers, to notice two women slipping silently away into the night. The guards would be lax because of the sheer numbers of guests coming and going throughout the night. Yes, she had this planned to the very last detail and it all was slipped casually and unobtrusively into the letter she wrote. Everything would be ready but one thing; how to procure an a'dam and slip it around her damane's slender neck before she departed. That had yet to be determined.

The raven haired woman's quill continued to scratch the words out in a trail of glistening black when her roommate stirred. Lifting the tip of the quill so as not to blotch her letter, she turned her head, blue eyed gaze on the young girl as she lifted her head from the pillow and frowned. "What are you doing?" The copper-skinned Domani mumbled, sleep still weighing heavily on her eyelids, "You're breaking the rules." She added the last rather half-heartedly. After all, didn't every novice break the rules once in a while?

"Shh." The older novice answered as the corners of her mouth turned upward in a soft, yet forced, smile which she directed toward her hated roommate, "Go back to sleep, Kitara. I just have to finish this essay and I'll be going to bed too." The lie dropped easily from her lips, having been practiced over and over in her mind until she knew it would come out smoothly were Kitara to wake as she just had. If the other girl had been more alert, she might have realized how preposterous the words her roommate had just uttered were. That this novice would be sacrificing her cherished sleep to write an essay was absurd considering how little she cared about being a novice. It was simply luck that Kitara was not more alert or the plan might have collapsed then and there.

"M'kay," the Domani girl murmured, "g'night." She was asleep before her head hit the pillow and likely would remember none of this in the morning. Letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding as a soft sigh, the raven haired novice bent over her letter again and allowed her eyes to scan the last few lines critically before setting quill to parchment. This cryptic form of writing was more difficult than it seemed when she had first learned of it during some lesson or other, and the words cam slowly as she sorted out how to say what she meant without actually saying what she meant. Light, but if this was what Aes Sedai working with the Eyes and Ears did every day, she didn't want anything to do with it! Abruptly, she stopped again and shook her head to banish that last thought. She was never going to be Aes Sedai; she didn't want to be, so it made no difference. She was running away from her captivity, returning to her people, and that type of thought was precisely the reason why. She wouldn't be a prisoner in all but name forever. Sure, they said she could leave when she was made Aes Sedai, but that was never going to happen; she wouldn't allow it.

Late into the night, the black ink continued to flow across the page even as the novice's hand cramped and made writing difficult. She was a woman working toward a goal, a dream that was soon to be realized, and she was determined to make this work. She would go back, she would become damane if that was what was demanded of her, so long as she could serve the Empress, may she live forever. Did this channeling, this freedom from the a'dam she knew would hold her, have its perks? Certainly it did, but they did not outweigh the consequences. She was a loyal servant of the Empire, not a traitor, never a traitor. So she went on until she was fully satisfied with what had been written in the glistening black ink. Reading through it, she smiled and put quill to paper once more to sign:

Under the Light, Your faithful servant, Calia Selle.


MRP I: Ignorance is Bliss
Novice Jocelyn Selle

Hands meekly folded in front of oneself, head bent, eyes cast down to stare at a single spot on the floor; that was the proper posture for a damane to take at all times and it was the well practiced posture Jocelyn Selle fell into as a shield of slid firmly between herself and the True Source, forcing the Power from her grasp. The Accepted who stood before her was pudgy from years of laziness in the White, her face quickly reddening with her anger. Of course, Jocelyn's green-eyed gaze was still on that nonexistent spot on the floor in front of her so she couldn't see the Accepted's face, but she could imagine what it looked like. Slowly, one by one, she felt more than saw the soft halos of saidar wink out from around the other novices as silence fell over the class. Instinct caused Jocelyn to tense for the pain that would have come were she still a damane, but it never did. Slowly, she relaxed as the Accepted seemed to be trying to work out what to say in the silence. She had been raised to the banded hems about eight years ago if Jocelyn remembered correctly, but she was still no closer to the shawl. It made her less tolerant than some of the others who regularly taught novices, so Jocelyn supposed she should have known better than to even toe the line during this class, but she had done it anyway.

"What did you think you were doing, Novice Jocelyn?" The Accepted's shrill voice broke the silence as she flipped mousy brown hair over her shoulder. Again, it was an action the novice just barely saw through her lashes as the focus of her gaze was on the floor about a pace in front of her feet. She remained silent as the rustling sounds of the other novices shifting uncomfortably filled the otherwise soundless room. "Well? I asked you a question, Novice Jocelyn, and when an Accepted asks you a question they expect you to respond quickly."

The Seanchan novice looked up, expression calm yet meek. "Your pardon, Accepted Larai," she began in her drawling accent, "but I'm not sure I understand your question. I was simply creating the weave you instructed us to like everyone else. If you could tell me what I did wrong, perhaps that would be helpful?" Was she fanning the flames a little? She certainly was, but it wasn't as if the Accepted didn't deserve it. After all, what right did a woman who was not only younger but had been channeling at least two years less than she had have to tell her that she was doing it wrong? Light knew that Jocelyn should have had a ring on her finger long ago, but for some reason her time never came. She'd been waiting so long now for the summons, she knew she was ready for them, but it seemed Madeline Sedai still doubted. Of course, her recent string of incompliant behavior with a few of the Accepted probably didn't help her case either.

"You most certainly were not weaving what I told you, child." Accepted Larai said sharply. "That looked nothing like the weave for a fireball. Are you going to tell me I don't recognize simple weaves when I see them?" The Accepted stared at Jocelyn, eyes daring the novice to say just that. Yet, the novice knew better than that. She hadn't worn white for ten years only to learn nothing of being a novice and she knew nothing she had done so far could earn her punishment beyond an angered Accepted. Saying what the Accepted was goading her into would earn a penance though, and Jocelyn didn't fancy the idea of scrubbing pots.

"No Accepted. I was weaving what you told me, but the White Tower must teach it differently than what I learned. From what I can tell, my way is actually easier, but I'm sorry if it bothered you." Casually, she flipped her braid of plain, brown hair over her shoulder and made the slightest curtsey to the Accepted. It was no wonder she was going no where if she couldn't recognize a variation that would result in the same weave in the end. Light, but Jocelyn hated this! She knew twice as much about weaves and proper weaving as some of these Accepted, but they were teaching her. What had she done to deserve this? She could perform much more difficult weaves, she knew it, but here she was in a lesson on basic fire weaving with a group of novices who were barely more than children. This was as advanced as novice lessons got; there wasn't a higher level anymore. Sure, there were Accepted lessons, but she wasn't an Accepted yet.

The Accepted was fuming. Jocelyn would have sworn that, had it not been a physical impossibility, there was steam from Accepted Larai's ears as her glared shot daggers through the Seanchan woman. "You would do well to forget those Wilder weaves and learn them properly or you'll never be an Accepted, Novice Jocelyn. We teach weaves the way we do for a reason, and we expect them to be woven properly not thrown together like a woman without a day of training to her name. Am I clear?" Jocelyn raised an eyebrow, but nodded nonetheless. She knew when she had pushed too far, and she just had. It was time to stop toeing the line for today.

Then, there was a knock at the classroom door, breaking the tension like a piece of Sea Folk porcelain carelessly dropped on the floor. Every head in the room turned to stare at the door, except for two; Jocelyn and Accepted Larai's eyes remained locked on each other. "Come," Larai called, eyes never leaving Jocelyn's, even as the door opened and another Accepted stuck her head in.

"Sorry to interrupt," a soft voice floated across the room, one which Jocelyn instantly recognized, "but I have need of Novice Jocelyn right now."

Accepted Larai's frown deepened, if that was possible, as her green eyes flicked away from Jocelyn's to rest on the intruder. "She's busy at the moment, Kagita. You might not have noticed, but I'm trying to teach a lesson."

"Ah, is that what you call this, Larai?" Accepted Kagita responded lightly. "Well, I'm sorry, but this is urgent so I'll have to take her anyway."

Larai looked as if she could chew nails. "Fine," she spat at the other Accepted, "take her. She's only causing trouble here anyway." Jocelyn held back a smile as she dipped a curtsey and hurried toward the door.

"Thank you, Larai." Kagita said graciously as she herded the novice out and shut the door behind her. For a moment, Jocelyn's long time friend, Kagita Aren din Tealyn, was silent as she looked Jocelyn up and down concernedly. When she did speak, it came as a shock to the Seanchan novice. "What," she began, "under the blessed Light is wrong with your sister?"


MRP II: Part One – Observation
Novice Calia Selle

Time was up. Tonight was the night when Calia's plans for an escape ten years in the making would be realized, yet there was still one key element missing: the a'dam she needed to slip around Jocelyn's neck. Just that thought made the novice cringe as scrubbed the dark wood of a table in the main pavilion for the festivities. Jocelyn, she used the girl's bloody name even in her own thoughts! She had stripped the damane, her own twin sister, of that name over fifteen years ago! For that matter, she had renounced her as a blood relation as well. A damane was little more than a beast and much less than human. So, Calia scowled at the nothing and everything, even as the rest of the novices scurried about with smiles on their faces and cheerful greetings on their lips as they were busied with the preparations for the celebrations. Little did they know that every one of them was aiding in her escape by simply being so enthusiastic about the festival. That brought a smile, though ever so slight, to the former sul'dam's lips. What would these Aes Sedai do when they realized what perfect cover for escape these festivals offered? She was escaping, perhaps in a manner never attempted before. Yes, that was something worth smiling about.

Everything was in order for tonight, at least as much as it could be. In a corner of the room she shared with Kitara were hidden two dresses and two dark cloaks, all stolen from the wash during Calia's shift a few days prior, ready to be worn tonight. Calia had no fears about finding a pair of decent horses that could be 'borrowed' for an indefinite period of time. It was a festival night; there would be plenty of animals in the Tower stables that were fit for riding all the way back to her people. How to get her hands on the only a'dam she was sure remained in the White Tower, now there was a good question. It was still in Madeline Sedai's office as far as Calia knew, and that was where it would have to be taken from if she wanted this plan to go off tonight. How was she going to do it? Not even she knew, but desperate people could always be trusted to come up with even more desperate plans. Calia was desperate, she would think of something.

A faint smile still on her lips, Calia returned the rag when she had finished washing tables and dipped the obligatory curtsey to the Accepted in charge of this whole operation. The girl looked at her askew for a moment before nodding and sending her off. The novice had been on her best behavior recently so as not to disrupt any of her planning by getting into trouble at the last moment. That would never do, especially not now. Today was too important for her to mess up. So, instead of skipping out on her next chore, like she would have for every festival held at the White Tower for the past ten years, Calia reported obediently to the gardens. It had been a long winter, and the paths needed raking. That was what Calia was assigned to help with for the rest of the afternoon. For ten years, she had watched all this preparation happen at least once a year if not more, and it ran like clockwork. They would be done with it all as the sun was setting. A few hours after that, the time would be upon them for escaping.

So it was that Calia spent her day at the work of preparations, not only for the festival, but for her escape as well. She spent the day watching as people came and went, waiting for her plan to come to fruition. All sorts of feelings swirled together inside her; excitement, happiness, nervousness, and even deeply suppressed reluctance and doubt. Why did this feeling of resistance keep tugging at her consciousness? Something was trying to hold her back in captivity when all she wanted was to be set free. Could it be that after ten years, she had developed some strange sense of attachment to this place? What in the name of all that was good had gotten into her? She was a sul'dam; a woman who never questioned herself or her convictions, and that was the end of that.

She was on her way back to the room she shared with Kitara when she encountered the first roadblock to her plan, the first unplanned for possibility. Shal Ampar Sedai of the Green Ajah was waiting outside the novices' room, blocking Calia from gaining access to it and, more importantly, what was beyond. Had it not been for the fact the Aes Sedai was staring right at her, Calia might have turned and walked the other way, or at least let out a string of curses that would make even a soldier blush. She was expecting the woman to drop the lesson for this half week, seeing as it was Wintersnight after all. Shal Sedai apparently had very different ideas. "Good to see that you're still with us, Novice Calia." The woman said wryly as Calia drew near and dropped curtsey, mentally cursing herself until she ran out of suitable bits of foul language. Yet, somehow she put on a smile for the marath'damane who stood between her and the realization of a dream.

"Of course I am, Shal Sedai. It's just that, seeing as it's Wintersnight and all other lessons have been suspended I just thought ours was too." Shal shook her head good naturedly as she motioned for Calia to walk with her. For the briefest moment, a scowl crossed the Seanchan novice's face before she joined the Aes Sedai and the scowl was replaced again by the smile that had no warmth behind it.

"Terrian made it very clear that if I was going to take on teaching you while she was gone that these lessons would happen twice weekly." She said as they walked side by side, for all the world like old friends rather than a marath'damane and the Seanchan woman who hated everything Shal Ampar stood for. "She really isn't that much older than you, is she?" The Aes Sedai marveled as she studied Calia as if seeing the girl in a new light. If smiling a little threw the marath'damane off so much, Calia was surprised she hadn't thought of it earlier.

"Who isn't that much older, Shal Sedai?" Calia asked with forced politeness, not completely following the Aes Sedai's thoughts.

"Terrian Sedai, child. I know, it isn't a topic we discuss much, but you were so old coming in as a novice…" Shal trailed off, suddenly seeming to realize that this was perhaps not an appropriate topic to be taking up with a novice.

Calia's blue eyes went wide. She had never even thought about it before, but could it be that Terrian really had only a few years more than she had in age? "I… I had never really thought on it Aes Sedai." She had to change the topic, or she would never make it back tonight. Somehow she had to get out of this lesson. "Shal Sedai, if I might be so bold as to ask, why have this lesson now? Wouldn't you rather be enjoying the festivities as well?"

"Oh!" Shal exclaimed, then smiled at the novice, "That was what I came to talk to you about, Calia. I'm moving your lesson until after Bel Tine, I trusted you wouldn't object and I wouldn't have bothered to seek you out had it not been for the concerns of a few Accepted. I see they were unfounded now." The last words trailed off as the Aes Sedai seemed to draw into her own thoughts.

Calia smiled. The Aes Sedai's mind seemed to be elsewhere. "By your leave, Shal Sedai, I should like to go prepare for the festivities." Shal nodded and waved her away with a smile. Bobbing a quick curtsey, Calia hurried back toward her room only to be met by her second obstacle of the day.

"Sister," the distinctly accented voice of Jocelyn cut across the corridor, "we need to talk." This was just bloody great. What else could possibly go wrong?


MRP II: Suspicion
Novice Jocelyn Selle

"What under the blessed Light is wrong with your sister?" Jocelyn's mind kept turning over those words, wondering what they meant as she swept the ground and watched her twin scrub down tables for the festivities. Kagita had said that Calia was acting strange, almost cooperative and eager to learn. Most Accepted would have counted that a blessing, but Kagita, like Jocelyn, had found it disturbing. In fact, the only thing that would have worried Jocelyn more concerning her sister was if the woman had stood at the top of the Tower and shouted to the world that she desired nothing more than she wanted to be Aes Sedai. If that ever happened Jocelyn might well have died from the shock of it. As it was, Jocelyn was surprised she hadn't fainted. To say something was wrong with Calia wasn't precisely correct from what Kagita had said; it might have been more appropriated to say that something was finally right. She was obeying Accepted and Aes Sedai, willing to learn, showing up promptly to lessons and not disrupting in the least. It was so perfectly right for a novice, yet so wrong for Calia.

It was strange. If she hadn't known her twin as well as she did, Jocelyn might have simply written this change off as the fact that Calia had finally adjust to White Tower life, to the idea that she could channel. Everyone else seemed to have decided that was what had happened, everyone else except Kagita. That woman, her former roommate, she believed that something was wrong as well. Jocelyn didn't know if it was because she sensed it was wrong or because she simply trusted the one-time damane's instinct on the subject, but Kagita Aren din Tealyn Wave Song agreed something wasn't right. That was something Jocelyn was grateful for. After all, she was going to need someone to back up her story if and when she went to Madeline Sedai with her fears. Once she had proof, that was when he would tell the Mistress of Novices one of her charges was up to something, not before.

Propping her broom against a table, Jocelyn left her sweeping soon after Calia had finished washing tables. She had half a mind to follow after Calia, not let the other novice out of her sight for an instant, but she had her own chores and preparations to report to. She stalked the halls of the Tower, a grim look painted on her features all day long despite the upcoming Wintersnight festivities. Every other novice and Accepted in the Tower was running about with smiles on their faces, exchanging merry hellos and juicy bits of gossip as they went from one festival assignment to the next on one of the few days no one would complain about chores. Yet one novice's mind was troubled, even as she tried to feign the same excitement for the sake of her few friends among the novices. What could elicit such a change in Calia so quickly? Maybe it shouldn't have bothered her so much, but she just felt like it was wrong. Perhaps working on a feeling wasn't an exact science, but it was the best she had, and her instincts rarely lied.

It was as she was dismissed from scrubbing floors that Jocelyn made up her mind to confront her sister. With a deep determination, Jocelyn made her way toward Calia's room in hopes of finding her sister and having her first real talk with her since the penance that had been set them by the then Accepted Menaihya many years ago. It was near the other novice's room that she found her sister, hurrying though the halls as if she actually had someplace to be this Wintersnight. Jocelyn opened her mouth to call to Calia, but hesitated, the words catching in her throat. Calia still scared the part of her that remembered being damane, the part that still was, even ten years later. She would have to work past that though. "Sister," she called with all the confidence she could muster, "we need to talk."

Calia stopped walking and turned slowly to face the other Seanchan woman. For the first time in what seemed like an Age, the twin sisters stood face to face and stared at each other; blue eyes meeting green in a silent contest of wills. There was no love lost between the twins, none at all, yet today Calia broke the tension with a soft smile that lit up her face like Jocelyn hadn't seen since they were children. "About what, dear sister?"

Jocelyn was momentarily taken aback, but quickly got over it. Her sister had always been a good actress. "About you, Calia. What in the Creator's name do you think you're up to? You might be fooling all the Aes Sedai, but I know you and I know that this isn't you. What are you plotting?"

"Plotting?" Calia echoed with what had to be feigned shock, "Why I don't know what you're talking about, Jocelyn. I've simply decided that it isn't worth fighting anymore, that I'm willing to give all this," she motioned around them, "a chance. Is that so terrible?" She smiled so sweetly it was sickening, but what could Jocelyn do? She had a hunch, but that was all. "Now, if you'll excuse me sister, I have to get ready for the festival." With that she went into her room and shut the door behind her, leaving Jocelyn staring dumbly out in the hall.

Slowly, processing everything that had just occurred, Jocelyn made her way back toward the single room she had so recently been moved into only to find Kagita waiting for her. "There you are!" The Atha'an Miere woman exclaimed as Jocelyn drew near. "I've got something for you." Before the Seanchan novice could object the Accepted was dangling a necklace in front of her. It was a beautiful work; a silver pendant shaped like a lily and holding a sparkling green stone for a center hung on a delicate silver chain. Jocelyn gasped at the small object that was held before her.

"Oh, it's beautiful Kagita," she said breathily, "but it's too much. I've no idea where you got the coin for something as fine as that and I have nothing for you. I couldn't take it."

Kagita smiled and simply reached around Jocelyn's neck to clasp it on her. "It's not too much, not for you."

Jocelyn's eyes narrowed in confusion as she met the other woman's gaze. "Wha-" Jocelyn hadn't even got out half a word before Kagita silenced her with a finger to her lips. Then the novice's green eyes went wide.

"I've been trying to decide how to say a lot of things since I was raised, Jocelyn, and I've decided that the best way to go about this would be to just say them." Jocelyn blinked, a strange nervous feeling growing in her stomach. "In my test, I saw a lot of things that scared me, and a few things that I didn't want to leave behind." She drew a deep breath as if stealing herself for something. "You were one of them. In the third Arch, there was you. I didn't want to leave, Jocelyn, but something told me that it wasn't reality that going back was more important. I listened, and I came back alive, but it cost me knowing that in that test I had left you to die. And…" She trailed off, and Jocelyn swallowed hard in the pause not wanting to hear what she was sure was coming next. "I don't know if the test is reality, Jocelyn, but I know I realized something in there and I have to know if it's true, if I even stand a chance."

Before Jocelyn knew what was happening, the Accepted had pressed her lips against Jocelyn's in a kiss that Jocelyn hadn't been expecting in the least. In fact, Jocelyn Selle had never been kissed before, and certainly not by another girl. Still, somehow, on the force of some instinct she had to suppose, Jocelyn found her arms slowly snaking around the younger woman as she deepened the kiss. It was clumsy and awkward, and everything that first kisses are supposed to be. Then, something else in Jocelyn's mind woke up. She drew away quickly, breathing heavily as she stared at the other woman in confusion. "I…" She started only to trail off at a loss for words in her confusion. What exactly did one say after that? "Kagita, I… I have to go." Jocelyn turned and walked down the hall with rapid steps that quickly turned into a run once she had rounded a corner.

Listening to the novice's soft footfalls, Kagita sighed sadly. "I guess I know now."


MRP III: Part Two – Thievery
Novice Calia Selle

The pair twirled gracefully around the dance floor, for all Calia's lack of experience in dancing, to the lively tune that had been struck up by the players. Winternight, it seemed, was a favorite of the novices of the White Tower when it came to opportunity to perhaps canoodle without the Aes Sedai noticing. Calia wasn't here for that though, despite the fact that she smiled and giggled and blushed like a girl half her age, putting up her best 'I've changed' act. She was making an appearance at the festival, as per her plan, so she wouldn't be missed later on and when the question of what she had been doing Wintersnight came up there would be at least a dozen other novices who could say she was enjoying the festivities. Of course, she obviously hadn't quite thought this all the way through as now she had to find some way to extricate herself from this endless cycle of idle chatter and dancing. She hadn't considered the possibility that being nice could attract so much attention and as the song ended, she was beginning to realize she should have. It was time to make her exit.

Smiling at the boy she had been dancing with, he had given his name but she hadn't bothered herself to remember it, Calia giggled for all the world like she was just another novice enjoying herself. Light but she hated this! "I'm a bit tired, and I do have to be up early tomorrow so I really should be getting to bed. I truly enjoyed myself tonight." With that and a smile, she turned to leave only to find the young Aethan'Tar, at least she thought he was an Aethan'Tar, soon walking along at her side. Repressing an urge to scream, Calia smiled at the boy shyly.

"Why don't you let me walk you up to your room, Calia? Surely you could allow that?" Yes, the raven-haired novice had a rather strong urge to scream right now. She was so close to freedom she could smell it, and this boy got in her way.

Somehow, Calia managed to giggle at the suggestion. "A boy in the girls' novice decks? Why, I think Madeline Sedai would have both our hides stripped! I think I'll just have to manage on my own." With that, she turned and lightly placed a kiss on the boy's cheek, stunning him into standing still as she continued on toward her goal. Well, that could have been worse. The boy could have been hard to manipulate instead of easily wrapped around her finger. It seemed that despite being over a decade out of practice, Calia's flirting skills were not entirely rusty. Many a novice might have been shocked that Calia had ever been a flirt, but a long time ago she had been quite sought after at festivals. A very long time ago it now seemed; a time when she and Jocelyn had been so'jhin still, a time when she had still had a twin sister.

Calia did indeed make her way up through the halls of the Tower until she reached the novice decks; that she hadn't been lying about. However, she wasn't headed for her own cell. She made one turn and then another on her way toward her true destination, the Mistress of Novices office. In a small alcove nearby, she had hidden the bundle of clothes and now retrieved them cautiously, looking about for anyone who might see the entire time. This was the riskiest part of the whole plan, sneaking in to the Mistress of Novices office and taking the a'dam. If she was caught here, it was all over. She would likely be assigned an Aes Sedai or an Accepted or someone to watch her every move and she would lose her only chance. Yet, Calia had taken note of the fact that both Sloane Sedai and Madeline Sedai were enjoying the festival which meant they wouldn't be able to get in her way. Even if their offices had wards on them, Calia would be in and out before either had a chance to register that the ward had been tripped. With a last glance around, Calia darted across the hall and tried the door.

It wasn't lock, to Calia's astonishment. She had fully expected to have to get around a lock, but she supposed that the Mistress of Novices door truly was always open. She hurried into the room and around behind the desk. She knew that Madeline Sedai had kept the a'dam after Aiyaela had removed it from around Jocelyn's neck, she simply had to find it. It had to be in one of these drawers, but she didn't have time to check the whole office. Pulling open a bottom drawer of the desk, one of the only ones large enough to hold the a'dam, Calia struck gold as it seemed luck was on her side. There reflecting the pale moonlight the window let in, was the a'dam. Drawing it out almost reverently, she was momentarily overjoyed by the simple fact that she finally had her a'dam back. She hadn't touched one in ten years, but as she snapped the bracelet around her wrist and hid it with the bundle of clothes it felt so right. She felt like a sul'dam again. Now she simply had to find her damane.

Trying hard not to look like she was hurrying, Calia left the office and shut the doors to leave everything as it had been when she entered. Where to find Jocelyn, that was the next question, but Calia had a fairly good idea where the other girl would be. If she knew anything about Jocelyn she would be alone, probably in her room, wasting away the night in self-pity. Jocelyn wasn't really one for festivals, not since the one that had made her a damane when they had been sixteen. So, Calia headed for her former sister's room with a smile, a genuine smile, on her face. Her time was finally here. She could have sung for the joy of it! She was going to be free at last. Yet, that tiny part of her still held back from rejoicing. Something within her was almost sad to go, a small piece of her psyche which was quickly pushed down and buried under the rest as she came to Jocelyn's door and raised a fist to knock.

The door was opened slowly by her twin. "Calia," The other Seanchan woman looked surprised, as well she should. "What are you doing here?" The door opened wider as Jocelyn stared at her, obviously confused and having been expecting to see someone else.

Dropping the bundle of clothing, Calia revealed the open collar of the a'dam and quickly snapped it around her sister's neck. Forcing Jocelyn back into her own room, Calia picked up a dress and tossed it at her. With a sneer, she answered the woman's question. "I'm taking back what's mine, damane. Now put that on and we'll be going." Doffing her own novice whites, Calia quickly followed her own instructions and changed into the other dress. When Jocelyn wasn't fast enough, Calia gave her the feeling of nettles scratching down her back through the a'dam. Light, but it felt so good to be complete with a damane again! Throwing a cloak over her shoulders and the other around Jocelyn's, Calia arranged them to hide the a'dam and walked out of the novice cube, with Jocelyn following behind.

Nothing would stop her now, not even the Creator himself.


MRP III: Capture
Novice Jocelyn Selle

After wandering the Gardens aimlessly, listening the Wintersnight music and having the ill-luck to stumble once upon a pair of lovers, Jocelyn had finally decided to return to her room for the night. Light knew that by now Kagita was certainly gone. Kagita. There was the source of Jocelyn's quiet confusion. What was she going to do about her Atha'an Miere friend? She honestly didn't know what to say or do or anything. Burn her, but for that matter the novice didn't even know what she was feeling about the whole situation. She cared about Kagita, that she could not deny, but she cared for her as a friend did, didn't she? That was not the basis for what Kagita seemed to feel for her. Still, just as Jocelyn couldn't deny that she did care for Kagita, she couldn't deny that kissing her had felt, well, it had felt good. But, on the other hand, Kagita was a girl! Were girls even supposed to feel that way about each other? Sure, plenty of novices had their pillow friends, but that was for lack of male contact, not love. Lying back on her bed, Jocelyn's fingers came to her lips gently as in wonder at a memory of having been kissed. What did all of it mean? Was what she felt actually real, or was it simply the pent up energy of over sixteen years of having nothing in the way, not even a hope, of a romantic relationship? How was she supposed to know?

A knock at the door, strong and confident, roused Jocelyn from her contemplations of love and romance and its effect on her life. She was reluctant to answer the door, fearing that it might be Kagita. She wasn't ready to see her former roommate again, not yet, not until she had sorted all this out for herself. Lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling, Jocelyn considered not answering the door and letting her visitor leave without knowing she was even here. Whoever it was would be better off if the simply returning the festivities and forgetting they had even wanted to see Jocelyn tonight. Yet, something made Jocelyn rise from where she lay deep in thought and answer the knocking. When she opened the door she was surprised by who she saw. "Calia," she said with unmasked shock. After all, since when did Calia come to visit her? "What are you doing here?" She opened the door wider so that she could see the other woman properly, an action which proved itself to be rather ill-advised.

Click. That was the sound of the collar of an a'dam snapping shut around her throat. Jocelyn's hands went instantly to the seemingly seamless silver piece around her neck as Calia backed her into the room, a sneer on her face. Desperately, the damane's fingers tried to find a way to remove the cursed thing as tears welled up in her eyes. She wouldn't be a prisoner again, never again. No! She wouldn't allow this to happen! She was a novice of the White Tower, surely someone would stop this! "I'm taking back what's mine, damane." Jocelyn's knees felt weak; she nearly collapsed then and there as she caught the dress that had been carelessly thrown at her as she heard the door click shut. "Now put that on and we'll be going." Slowly, Jocelyn stopped struggling and began to change dresses. She wanted to scream, but her numbing mind couldn't summon enough concentration to do so. She wanted to hit the sul'dam, but the part of her mind that still knew what it was to be a reluctant damane warned her against it. Any pain felt by Calia would be felt by Jocelyn twofold. Light, but she couldn't even reach saidar, or even hold a bloody knife, to end it all! She would rather die than be a collared animal again.

Jocelyn jumped in surprise as the feel of nettles raked across her back, a small taste of pain to make her change faster. She shivered, remembering the pain she had been made to feel through an a'dam in the past. It was unpleasant, and that was in fact an understatement. Needless to say, she changed faster and soon was dressed in the plain, woolen traveling dress while the novice dress that had for so long represented her freedom lay in a crumpled pile by her feet. She felt sick, so very sick, as if she would lose the contents of her stomach at any moment. She was a captive of her own ability again, and she couldn't even pull together the courage to do something about it. Not that there was anything she could do. Once she had arranged cloaks around both their shoulders to hide the silvery metal that connected them, Calia gave Jocelyn a light pat on the head and led the way out into the hall. Jocelyn recoiled, but still followed, albeit at the maximum distance the leash would allow.

Calia led the way through the darkened halls with a supreme confidence. Even the main halls of the Tower seemed to be fairly empty tonight, so their exit to the stables was unimpeded. Jocelyn looked pleadingly at each passing merrymaker, silently begging for one of them to recognize her or to recognize Calia and stop them. None did, in fact people's eyes seemed to meet hers with no more recognition than that of any other passing stranger. Failing at her attempts, Jocelyn tried instead to fill her mind with happier thoughts. She thought of lessons, of being released from the a'dam all those years ago, of friends she had grown close to over so many years. Yes, she even allowed her thoughts to drift to Kagita. In fact, she found her thoughts still centered on the woman despite her current situation. Would she ever see her again? Light, but was the Pattern so cruel as to offer her ten years of freedom only to snatch it away again and return her to a life as a less than human slave?

In the stables, there were plenty of horses that were still saddled, waiting to be ridden home for the night. Calia seemed to simply pick two at random and lead them from their stalls with a smile and a nod to the stable boy. Surely the boy realized something was wrong? But he did nothing to stop them and before Jocelyn knew what was happening she was on the back of a grey mare being led by Calia as she rode on a mare black as the night. They were coming up on the gates of the White Tower. The guards would stop them, wouldn't they? Jocelyn's mind reeled as she seemed to be watching from some back seat, not in control of her own body. The guards waved them through as they would any other Wintersnight festivalgoer. It was just too much. Jocelyn knew that eventually she would be broken; it had happened before and it would again. Why fight it this time? She drew back within herself, her consciousness pulled in tight under the other layers of her mind, an observing passenger and nothing more. After all, it would be better if she just didn't fight it too hard. She would only hurt herself.

The pair, sul'dam and damane, left the Tower with barely a glance from anyone else. What reason had anyone to thing the two young ladies were novices? They didn't look like novices, and they didn't act like them, therefore logic would dictate that they were indeed not novices. Calia rode onto the streets of Tar Valon in triumph, the White Tower at her back as a cursed prison of the past, and another girl sitting the horse behind her being led through the gates. No one would be the wiser for many hours yet. In the morning, two white dresses would be found discarded on the floor as if in a hurry in Jocelyn's room and the a'dam would be discovered missing. Jocelyn cared about none of this though. She was done fighting; she had fought too long. She was Seanchan, she knew her fate even if she didn't like it, and only fools tried to fight the fate the Wheel wove for them.

If Jocelyn had been paying attention and not withdrawn into her own mind, she would have seen Calia smirk. She had just broken a woman in twenty minutes. It was a new personal best.


MRP IV: Part Three – Escape
Novice Calia Selle

This was just too easy. She threaded through the halls of the White Tower and barely a glance was shot in her direction. A few inebriated celebrators even nodded in greeting to her as they passed the two women. In the stables, she had her pick of horses and she was then able to ride from the Tower grounds without even a question. This was an escape a decade in the making, one she doubted the Tower would ever forget. No, these marath'damane would not be allowed to forget the name of Calia Selle, the woman who had single-handedly brought all their secrets to the Seanchan and thereby brought about the fall of Tar Valon and the Aes Sedai. Oh, how the mighty would fall; fast and hard. After all, those who placed themselves on pedestals as high as the Aes Sedai had a very, very long way to fall. As it was said, what went up must come down. Well, these marath'damane had enjoyed all to long a journey up; it was time for them to come tumbling down, and Calia was going to bring it about.

They passed easily by the Tower guards. Calia could have thrown back her head and laughed simply for the joy of it. In fact, she did. So this was what freedom felt like. She was free for the first time in ten years as she road through the streets of Tar Valon toward the Alindaer Bridge where she would cross the River Erinin and begin the trek toward her people in Ebou Dar. At the bridge, Calia drew her mount to a stop and twisted in the saddle to gaze at the White Tower; a pale spire stretching to the sky. For all the beauty it was to look at, Calia loathed that colorless place and the marath'damane it housed. She loathed it in the way only when who had lived there, or been held prisoner there, could loathe it. Calia liked the idea that she stood in opposition to everything that damned Tower stood for. For the moment, she was a sul'dam of the Seanchan Empire riding in glorious triumph back to her people. Perhaps she would have to submit to being damane when she returned, but she would do so with a smile on her face. She had done what was said to be impossible; she had escaped the White Tower!

With a sharp kick, she sent her horse and Jocelyn's into a quick trot as they crossed the bridge and were free of Tar Valon forever. Some part of her being though, that bit she had buried before, held back though. Why did she still feel a connection to that hated place? Even as she was off the bridge and heading at a good speed away something in her begged to return. This was her night of glory, her night to shine and revel in what she had accomplished, not to mourn the passing of a period of her life that she would just as soon forget. Could it be that she was actually a little reluctant to leave all that the White Tower was behind. After all, she was riding toward what would simply be another life as a prisoner. Wasn't it better to be a prisoner by one's own choosing though, than to be forcibly kept somewhere like the Tower by witches such as the Aes Sedai? That was the rationale Calia was following at least.

Once they had finally left the merrymaking in the town of Alindaer at the end of the bridge behind, Calia breathed a final sigh of relief. That was that. The hardest part was now over; which wasn’t to say she could let down her guard, but rather that now that they were out they could go anywhere to avoid capture and some places where the Aes Sedai wouldn’t dare follow. Calia had every intention of requesting to be shipped back to somewhere where the Seanchan were in firm control. If they would still listen to her request, that was. Damane were generally not high on the list of people who had to be pleased, especially if one considered the fact that they weren't really people at all. Calia didn't like that thought at all, but she knew what she was and how she was supposed to live her life. Mother and Father, Light bless them, would be devastated to lose their only daughter, but some things couldn't be helped. This was one of them. Every Seanchan knew it could happen someday, and they were prepared for it.

The night was young yet, at least it wasn't yet midnight so young was what it had to be, but Calia found herself unexplainably tired. Perhaps it was the excitement of the day, or the stress of the escape, but she wanted to simply lie down on the side of the road and fall asleep. They couldn't stop though, not this close to Tar Valon. Only by riding through the night did they stand a chance. Calia looked back at Jocelyn – or Juri as she would begin to properly call the damane again. After all, what sort of name was Jocelyn for a damane? The girl's brown braid swung back and forth with the gentle movements of her head. She looked withdrawn and unresponsive, but that was nothing a few days reminder of what it was to be a proper damane couldn't fix. "Juri," Calia said softly. The other woman's head turned to look at her, green eyes dead to the world as the gazed at the sul'dam. "Ah, there's a good girl. You still remember your name after all this time." Juri said nothing. Well, that would have to be fixed too. They had time though. Calia had trained her once, she could do it again.

The pair rode in silence for the rest of the night but for the sound of the horses' hooves against the hard packed dirt of the road. The morning sun dawned bright in the east as Calia led them to the side of the road where there was a bush that would make for decent cover and a good place to rest. Traveling by day would be more dangerous, so resting some during the hours of light was a good idea. She had at least a days ride on anyone who would be sent after them, and that was if whatever Aes Sedai they sent chose the right direction to begin with. Sometime around noon they could start off again, maybe even put a little more space between them and the Aes Sedai that was bound to follow. Calia dropped off to a light yet restful sleep quickly, but next to her Jocelyn found sleep a long time in coming and plagued with unpleasant dreams. For twins, they really couldn't have been more different and even now they displayed that fact while one was on a power trip and the other's spirit was broken. Calia had escaped, but at what cost to herself and at what cost to Jocelyn? Seeds of doubt, they had been there since the beginning, but only now did they begin to sprout. Calia had already begun to question. Still, for now she slept peacefully, content with the fact that the place she slept wasn't the White Tower.

Neither of them could have known that at this moment, back at the White Tower, the fact that they were missing was being discovered and an Aes Sedai who was practically guaranteed to catch them was being recalled from the field.


MRP Assist I: The Hunt Begins
Terrian Dy'ner Sedai

The silvery blue slash of a Skimming gateway opened wide in the White Tower's traveling yards, and an Aes Sedai without even the barest hint of the ageless look, yet an Aes Sedai nonetheless, stepped back onto Tower grounds for the first time in quite a few months. Alina had said that whatever new assignment was had for her was urgent; it had to be if they would send an Aes Sedai by means of Traveling to Mayene on Bel Tine of all days. Alessandra had to have had a specific reason for choosing to recall her from her trip and assignments with her near-sister. She had told Menaihya that she had Division business elsewhere, and Menaihya did as well for that matter, and they had agreed to split for a time and meet up again at an undetermined time in the future. Yet, this sudden summons worried Terrian deeply. What could be this urgent that someone would be sent to the First's Palace in Mayene to get her? After all, the Green Ajah had a decent number of Field Assigned Aes Sedai, all of them quite capable at what they did, and an assignment could be given to any of them. What was special about this one?

Despite her attempts to hurry through the halls of the Tower, Terrian was stopped at what seemed to be every turn by a Sister or Brother with greetings and questions as to what brought her back to the Tower. She simply smiled and diverted the questions, saying she was in rather a rush and had things that had to be seen to before she was off again; that she was just back for a quick visit, nothing of much significance. Luckily, the higher up she got in the levels of the White Tower, the less people she ran into seeking a few words. Most of the Tower's residents were actually on their way down to the festivities of Bel Tine, the competitions and the time off from lessons and other obligations being highly prized at the White Tower. Terrian had been preparing to take part in the celebrations in Mayene before Alina had arrived with the message. Yet, when Alina had arrived, Terrian had dropped just about everything in favor of returning to Tar Valon. It was shaping up to be a very strange day indeed.

As she finally stepped out onto the level of the Green Ajah wing that was her final destination, she found the halls as completely empty as it was possible to be. Not even a servant tiptoed about in the quiet. Of course, leave it to the Greens to be out enjoying Bel Tine with the best of them. It was a bit of a stereotype, yes, but that was just the sort of people they were. Besides, Terrian was a Green herself so it couldn't be considered any less than a compliment coming from her. Still, she supposed the area wasn't entirely uninhabited. There sat Lasha outside Alessandra's office, her usual spot as Terrian recalled it. "Morning, Lasha." Terrian said brightly by way of greeting.

"Ah, Terrian, it's been a while." She answered with a smile, "You're expected, of course. Go right on in."

Terrian nodded, "Thanks, Lasha. I hope this isn't too serious." Lasha merely shrugged as Terrian went past her into the office of the Captain-General. Behind her desk sat Alessandra Mailloche, clearly absorbed in the file in her hands, yet she looked up quickly as Terrian came in. A little self-consciously, Terrian pushed the golden locks of curled hair which escaped the ribbon she had tied them back with behind her ears. Strange how she had almost forgotten she had curled her hair in the Amadician style for the festivals but now it came back to her as she lowered herself into a chair. "You needed me, Captain-General? I assume this must be urgent, as I was recalled from Mayene for it."

"Yes, Terrian, you assume correctly. Thank you for returning so quickly. I know you hadn't planned to be back in Tar Valon for quite a while yet." Terrian nodded slightly as Alessandra continued. "I have an assignment that requires your attention specifically." She pushed a file across the desk. Terrian picked it up and opened it, hazel eyes quickly scanning the contents. Why, many of these notations were in her own hand! The first note, on the top of the first page, explained why. This was Calia Selle's novice file; full of notes on temperament, lesson progress, and various disciplinary actions that had been taken in an attempt to curb that stubborn attitude of hers. "Madeline brought this up not too long ago. Seeing as you perhaps know Calia best of any of her teachers it was decided to give this to you. I have to say; quite a lot of the notes in there are in your hand." Terrian smiled faintly as she flipped through the pages, until she came to the note that was obviously the purpose of all this. One that read simply about how Calia Selle was discovered missing this very morning. She repressed a strong urge to leave that very moment and go after the fool girl.

"No one has been dispatched to find her yet?" She asked instead, eyes skipping over all the information again.

"No, no one knows where to begin and rather than waste time we thought to wait for you." She slid another file across her desk. Terrian glanced questioningly up at Alessandra before picking up this one too. Opening it revealed it to be the file of Novice Jocelyn Selle. It was significantly thinner than Calia's; lacking many of he disciplinary reports her twin's held. In fact, the only one Terrian saw was written in what she recognized as her near-sister's hand and dated at nearly eight years ago. Jocelyn was noted as being a willing, well-behaved, and eager student who was happy with her life in the White Tower. Recent months she seemed to show a trend of growing impatient and even challenging a few Accepted, but she seemed so close to being Accepted herself that the notes were minor marks against her. Yet, there was an identical report to the one in Calia's file that stated she had been discovered missing this morning.

"They're both missing? I can see Calia running, but Jocelyn? What little I knew of her she was happy and excited to be a novice and hopefully an Aes Sedai someday."

"Yes, but there is evidence that she might not of left the Tower by choice. Madeline also discovered that someone had snuck into her office last night and the only item she found missing was the a'dam taken when those two arrived." Terrian's eyes shot up from the report to stare at Alessandra.

"You don't think that Calia forced her to go with that thing, do you? I mean, she was certainly never a good novice, but I was under the impression she was beginning to adjust to it."

"Nothing has been ruled out, Terrian. Your assignment is to find them and bring them back before they are met by any of the Seanchan." Terrian nodded. "No one knows what way the went, but -"

"They're headed for Ebou Dar if I know Calia." Terrian cut in distractedly as she continued her study of the files.

"What makes you say that?"

"I know Calia." Terrian responded simply. "And that's the nearest Seanchan occupied region to Tar Valon." She set the files on Alessandra's desk as she stood. "If I may, I'd like to leave straight away." Alessandra nodded and dismissed her. Terrian turned quickly and had to make a very strong effort not to run through the halls of the Tower. That job she set to the first novice she caught sight of on her way down to the Kitchens to gather some food for the search. "Child," She called loudly. The boy slowed then stopped and bowed. "Run down to the stables and have them saddle one of the Tower's swiftest horses. Tell them Terrian Sedai will be down for it before the bells toll the next hour." The boy hesitated for a moment. "Well," Terrian demanded, "what are you waiting for? I said run!" The novice jumped and set of at a sprint through the halls of the Tower. Terrian hurried on toward the Kitchen and was able to get Laras to pack her traveling food quickly.

Well wrapped pack of food in hand, Terrian made her way past the festivities and out to the stables where the horse she had requested was already waiting for her. Good, the boy must have run the whole way. In her rush, she practically jumped on the horses back, ignoring the fact that her skirts were certainly not divided for riding and therefore nearly pulled up past her knees. The foodstuffs were tossed haphazardly into a saddlebag and dug her heels in, setting the horse to a decent trot. As soon as she cleared the streets of Tar Valon she would pick up the pace. Light burn that girl! Stupid, stubborn, Seanchan! Didn't she realize what she had done; the amount of trouble she was in? Terrian would drag those two back to the White Tower if it was the last bloody thing she ever did.


MRP IV: Broken
Novice Jocelyn Selle

Two days, that was how long they had been on the road from Tar Valon. Jocelyn was but a shell of her former self having fallen so swiftly from her life of freedom, she simply didn't care anymore. Being treated as an animal was simply easier if one just gave in and accepted the fact that they were an animal. After all, if the sul'dam said it was so it must be true and she should just accept it. Accept, accepted, those words tugged at something in the damane's already fleeting memories of freedom. A glint of gold on a finger, a flash of colored bands on the field of a white garment, those were the memories those words evoked but nothing more. She felt as if it was something that was important, that she should remember it, but she let the images slip away regardless. She was a damane now, what use did she have for memories of past lives. She wasn't that girl any more. Bloody ashes, but for as fast as she was letting memory slip away she was beginning to doubt she ever had been that girl.

A dark skinned girl, someone the damane's mind also connected with the word accepted. Every time she had begun to forget things, every time what little piece of Jocelyn was left began to fade into oblivion that memory appeared and drew her back from the edge. Strange that she felt such a connection to a woman whose name was lost in the turmoil that was Jocelyn's – Or was she Juri?– mind. What was this woman to her? Someone she cared about enough to remember at least. A friend. Yet, there were memories of her lips pressed against this woman's in the darkness of an empty corridor. That spoke for more than friendship. The tiny seed that was Jocelyn's consciousness, the part still able to work after two days of torture by a'dam, watched the memory unfold from deep within her own mind. It clung to the memory, and the few others it could gather, like a drowning person clung to the log that kept them afloat. Jocelyn recognized it as a part of who she had been before the a'dam had reclaimed her as a damane. It was one of the few secret treasures she could keep while she was collared. Jealously she gathered the bits and pieces of remembrances together and drew them into the protection of the recesses of her mind, where Calia couldn't touch them.

"Juri," Calia's voice drew the damane out of the depths of her own mind and in the same stroke banished the memories and the Jocelyn of the last ten years back to the edge of oblivion. "Ah, so you are still awake, dear." The sul'dam said with only a mild condescendence. Some part of the damane's mind registered irritation at the tone Calia took toward her, but it was ignored. "Be a good damane and create a warming weave for us. These people might think this is spring but I do believe spring was a good deal warmer than this back in Noren M'Shar." The damane didn't respond to the comment; it wasn't her place to respond to the sul'dam's comments. She was simply a tool to be used as the raven-haired woman saw fit. Embracing saidar as instructed, she drew out the necessary bits of Fire and Air and Spirit to form the weave that was quickly becoming familiar for as often as she had had to weave it the past few days. She tied it off easily and dropped saidar with a slight reluctance. She didn't fancy the punishment she would receive if the sul'dam had to wrench it from her grasp though, so she did allow the Power to drain from her quickly enough.

They rode on in silence, the damane guiding her horse after Calia's clumsily. She had never really ridden before this, and she knew that now was only a special case because the sul'dam was in a hurry and wanted to get back quickly. If Jocelyn had been forced to run as a damane normally was she would have slowed them down and they couldn't afford to be slowed down. At least that was what Calia said. The sul'dam seemed to speak only to fill the silence sometimes, as if the lack of conversation unnerved her. Not that that made any sense as the sul'dam shouldn't have been expecting conversation with a damane. That was a truly strange idea. Maybe the other woman just liked to talk then, liked the sound of her own voice. Well, Jocelyn was perfectly comfortable within the silence of her covetously hoarded memories. Perhaps if she could sort through them she would have something to keep her sane.

Jocelyn hadn't really realized it before, but it was as if she and the damane were two totally different people. She lay locked deep within a prison of her own making with only fragmented recollections as her company, separate from the rest of the world, isolated in her own mind. That secluded piece was the real her. The damane was the person, or rather not person but the semantics didn't really matter anymore, the world saw now. She liked it this way. She was hurt less when everything there was about her to be hurt couldn't be touched. If only she could always wrap herself up in this unfeeling shell, maybe she would survive this torture until she was free again. She had done it before, hadn't she? Yet, the last time she had broken free of her self-constructed mental prison she had had to fight the part of her that was damane, shock it into remembering who she was. Yes, there the memory of it was. It was a fragment among many in her collection of moments.

For the first time in a while, Jocelyn allowed herself to emerge briefly to look out through her own pale green eyes at the world around her. She was aware of it all, but the part of her that was broken and already molding to the sul'dam's will was growing stronger. She was afraid that she would soon be banished to her exile again, as she had been the first time she had been collared, and she wanted to see the world for herself one last time before that happened. Light, but how could she want to fight so badly yet break so easily? Her spirit had been shattered like fine crystal as soon as the a'dam was around her neck. Was she so weak, or was it just that she was a well trained Seanchan dog? She would like to think it wasn't either of those things, but there was little other option. She had broken so easily, like she had only been shards already, held together by nothing more than the power of another. When touched she had crumbled.

Looking at the world, Jocelyn saw nothing of interest but a long stretch of road. Her unusually attentive gaze turned to Calia, her sister sitting her horse with a look of struggle on her face. She seemed to be fighting herself over something that only she knew. Jocelyn could only imagine what. Likely some point of her return to their people or the best way to continue Jocelyn's retraining. Yes, Jocelyn had become much more cynical but when the only thing the Wheel gave one was hardship what else could be expected? Jocelyn found herself scowling as Calia, perhaps sensing the eyes on her back, turned slightly to look at her damane. Jocelyn instantly withdrew back into herself and Calia's icy blue gaze returned to the road ahead as they continued in their silence. It was just so much easier this way.


MRP V: Go Back
Novice Calia Selle

Three days out and Calia had somehow expected to be happier than this. Or, at least she hadn't expected to be miserable. She hadn't touched saidar in all this time, that was an accomplishment to be proud of, was it not? She had retrained a damane to the leash. That was yet another accomplishment to be proud of if nothing else. Most importantly, she was still free of the marath'damane and growing ever closer to her final destination of Ebou Dar. So why wasn't she happy? Why was the doubt, the need to return to Tar Valon that she had first felt as soon as they left, growing within her? Never before had she doubted herself, her actions, especially not when it brought her closer to her freedom from the prison of the White Tower. She had been captured ten years ago, for the Light's sake! She had heard of what happened to captives if held too long, they began to actually like their captors, but Calia was certain that was not it. She had striven for freedom all this time, so there must be something else.

Freedom, there was a thought that tugged at her. Was this really freedom or was it just a slow march to another captivity? But this way she got to choose her prison! That was the logic she had been following for three days! Her blue-eyed gaze swiveled for a moment as they rode to look at Jocelyn. Not that she needed to look at her, she could sense her presence through the a'dam, but she was different than before. This creature she was connected to by the silvery length of the a'dam was seemingly dead to the world. Once brilliant green eyes held no sparkle, once smiling face was eternally blank. Occasionally, Calia could swear that she caught some sense of awareness emanating from the damane but it vanished almost as quickly as she was able to notice its existence. The very sight made her cringe in a most unexpected manner. A most un-sul'dam like manner. She had seen dozens of sad broken creatures over the years and never had she felt so disgusted by it. Never before had she felt an urge to remove the bracelet from her wrist and the collar from her damane's neck and set them both free of the cursed thing. What she was trained to do had never made her feel quite so ill before.

She imagined, for a moment, how it had felt to have the collar around her own neck. Aiyaela Sedai had done that when she had first been brought to Tar Valon with Jocelyn. She had been unable to do anything Jocelyn had wanted her to do, forced to give the information the then Assistant Mistress of Novices had requested. She had felt so helpless and had wanted nothing more than to remove that collar from around her neck; she had known how to do it too. Why was it that she had thought she would be able to live the next six hundred years of her life as a damane anyway? Looking at Jocelyn, or what was left of the woman who used to be Jocelyn, Calia realized that she didn't want to end up like that. She didn't want to be a broken shell of a person. Or less than a person as the thinking went in Seanchan. Dear Creator but did this make her as much a traitor as any other Seanchan in the White Tower?

Traitor, treason, the words floated through her mind as she wondered if it would truly be as bad as it sounded. Finally she did something she had been considering for a while as the rode along the stretch of dirt road; she reined her horse to a stop and Jocelyn followed suit. She had always sworn that if she had to compromise every last one of her other morals, she would never betray the Empire. It had been her thought to avoid ever being labeled that, of all things, to avoid the shame that it would bring upon herself and her family. Was it worth losing this though? By this she meant her freedom of movement, her freedom to live her own life of course. For the first time she came to realize that although she had thought she had accepted the idea of being a damane she didn't relish it at all. Life as a novice and even an Accepted might mean restricted freedom, so she was coming to understand, but it was still freedom. That was what mattered, wasn't it? Light preserve her, but she wanted to live free of the leash. She had made her decision, and the Light burn her soul to ash if it was the wrong one.

Turning to Jocelyn, to look at the hollow shell of a being that sat the horse next the her, Calia reached down and with thumb and forefinger triggered the release on the bracelet of the a'dam. The damane showed no reaction until Calia reached across the space between them and laid her hands gently on the collar. Feeling along it, she found the release and smiled at the satisfying sound of the thing opening. Then something she hadn't expected happened; Jocelyn panicked like any damane in this situation would. Calia hadn't thought she was that far gone already, but she quickly closed the collar around her sister's neck again. She calmed quickly, though a small fist still tightly gripped the end of her braid as she had grabbed it in her panic. What had Calia done? She had taken her own sister and broken every bit of resistance that was left in her. Reluctantly, she put the bracelet back on her own wrist and felt something strange. It wasn't a feeling from Jocelyn, but from herself. It wasn't new so much as something she hadn't felt in a very long time. Reaching up a hand, she wiped at her eyes and found that her hand came back wet with her own tears. She was crying; crying because she had destroyed her own sister. She hadn't shed a tear for anyone, much less Jocelyn, in years. Or maybe, just maybe some of her tears were for herself.

The last fifteen, no sixteen, years of her life were pointless cruelty after cruelty. She thought back on it all, the number of women she had participate in breaking to this pathetic state, the number who hadn't even needed to be broken to be compliant. How did one go on when the left everything they were, or once had been, behind? Was it even possible to start completely fresh, to build a new life out of the ashes of an old one? Calia didn't know, she really didn't, but she did know that she was thirty-two years old and had finally stopped being a child. A sad smile lighted on her face as she wheeled her mount around and Jocelyn's followed. They were going back; back to Tar Valon, back to the White Tower. That was Calia's final decision. Light send it was a good one.


MRP Assist II: Easy Catch
Terrian Dy'ner Sedai

This wasn't proving to be as easy as Terrian had at first hoped it would be. She knew she was going in the right direction, which was a start at least. When she had passed through the last town and described the odd set of twins to the townsfolk that lived there she had been told the pair had gone through less than a day ahead of her. That still put her a step behind them though. They had left the night before she had, giving them at least half a day's ride on her if not more. Blast that stupid girl! What had possessed Calia to try to run from the White Tower? Well, no, that was a stupid question. She knew exactly what had made Calia run. The girl was a sul'dam with the Corenne to the very last and she wasn't going to stay shut up in the White Tower when she saw a chance to return to her people. Damn it all! Terrian should have seen this coming. She knew Calia better than any Aes Sedai except perhaps Madeline. She'd known the girl nearly the whole time she'd been in the Tower since way back when Terrian herself had still worn the banded hems of an Accepted.

There had been a period during her time as a novice when Terrian had been much like Calia, she had seriously considered escape from the White Tower and she had come of her own free will to begin with. Someone had managed to get through to her though, a luxury Calia apparently didn't have. Still, Terrian could hardly believe the Seanchan woman would go so far as to break into the Mistress of Novices office, steal an a'dam, and then kidnap her own sister of all the atrocities in the world. Terrian was, for a rare change, glad that she had been born to life as an only child. Certainly she was glad to have found a woman she could think of as a friend as close as a sister, but if the way Calia treated Jocelyn was the way with siblings, Terrian wanted nothing to do with it. Still, Terrian was going to find the stubborn fool of an excuse for a woman and drag her back to the White Tower by her bootlaces if that was what it took.

In the distance, Terrian caught sight of a pair of travelers coming toward her along the road. Aside from that brief notice she didn't pay them any more mind. They were headed in the wrong direction for the novices, though when they were closer perhaps she could stop them and question them. At least, that was her thinking until she felt saidar being embraced by someone nearby and saw the strands of Spirit woven around her so quickly she barely registered what they were before they fell on her. A shield, she had been shielded! Looking again at that pair of travelers, they were nearly close enough to talk to now; she saw the halo of the Power burning brightly around one of them. One hand on the dagger belted at her waist, Terrian urged her mare into a gallop toward the two women, for they were women. She was livid that somebody would dare shield her, absolutely livid, and she was out for answers. When she got closer, she was shocked at the sight of the pair that met her. "Calia?" She said in amazement, drawing her horse to a stop. "Jocelyn? What under the Light is going on here? I demand that you release this shield immediately."

"Jocelyn," Calia said softly, almost as if she wasn't listening to the Aes Sedai's words, "I never told you to shield her. You will release that weave and let go of saidar this instant." The brown haired girl did so quickly, eyes cast down as she looked chastised. "I'm sorry, Terrian Sedai. She does still have a mind of her own, though it doesn’t seem to be functioning quite properly right now." Calia smiled a sad smile as Terrian stared dumbstruck.

"You are aware that I've been sent to bring you back to Tar Valon, to the White Tower, aren't you Novice Calia?" The girl nodded. "And you are aware that the direction you've been riding will take you directly back to Tar Valon not away from it?" Again, Calia nodded, raven hair falling across her face as she did.

"I know that Aes Sedai, I was intending upon returning now." When Terrian looked at her disbelievingly she continued with, "I don't want to be a damane." As if that cleared everything up! Terrian didn't understand why a runaway who has successfully escaped the Tower and then the city would suddenly decide to turn around and come back, not that she was complaining about it. She just didn't like not understanding. Shrugging, she dismounted and waited for the two girls two do the same.

"Child, I don't know what made you come to your senses, but I'm glad you did." Reaching out, Terrian attempted to place her hands on the collar around Jocelyn's neck only to have the girl back away as if the very thought of freedom was frightening. Undeterred, she tried again only to have Jocelyn back away again. She looked to Calia questioningly.

"Her spirit's been broken Terrian Sedai." She said by way of answer. "She won't let anyone remove that collar yet, and I wouldn't recommend it unless she was shielded and somewhere safe."

Terrian held out her hand. "Then I suggest you give me the bracelet, Novice Calia." The dark-haired Seanchan nodded and removed the bracelet of the a'dam from her own wrist and snapping it around Terrian's. The Aes Sedai shuddered as soon as the slivery metal touched her, wanting to be rid of the sickening thing as soon as possible. She felt dirty just having it on her wrist, like she needed a very long bath and even then she wasn't sure she would feel entirely clean. Resisting the urge to squirm uncomfortably, she opened herself to saidar and felt it flood her in a torrent like she had never felt. Abruptly she realized she was using the a'dam and drawing on Jocelyn's strength as well as her own; she didn't like it, but she didn't know how to stop it. First, she shielded Calia; though she knew the girl's minimal control wasn't enough to do anything to her she felt it was better to be safe. Then she wove a gateway for Skimming large enough for the each of the horses to pass through and the platform on the other side could easily hold twice as many people and horses as there were. "Stay away from the edges," she cautioned sternly, "if you fall, you fall forever. Well, being channelers you could simply create another platform, but there's no telling where you'd arrive and I won't lose you again." Calia nodded and Jocelyn didn't seem to give any indication that she'd even heard, but she didn't seem to be moving either. This was simply strange beyond anything Terrian had ever before been party to.

The trip back through the emptiness of Skimming was made in complete silence. If the look on Calia's face was any indication, she was too ashamed to speak. Jocelyn was simply too broken to speak. Terrian, well Terrian was too busy mulling over what had just happened to want to lecture the novices. Besides, she was sure Madeline would do a fine job with the lecturing when they got back. The gateway opened into the White Tower's traveling yards as one had on Bel Tine and Terrian ushered the girls and horses out before stepping out herself and letting the gateway snap shut. When they got to Madeline Sedai's office Terrian suspected there would be a lot of explaining to do.


MRP V: Price of Freedom
Novice Jocelyn Selle

That little piece of Jocelyn wasn't even sure she wanted to emerge from the depths of her own mind anymore. She was very content to live out the rest of her days with her memories and that was that. Somewhere on the fringes of her consciousness she was aware of the feeling of someone new wearing the bracelet of the a'dam, of that person drawing saidar through her instead of ordering her to do it. None of this concerned her though; sul'dam were trading damane all the time so this was no cause for alarm. Besides, she wasn't so sure if the infinite darkness around her was just the inside of her skull or if it existed outside as well. Briefly allowing herself to be aware of her surroundings, she realized that the nondescript blackness was indeed her surroundings. It was a strange place, wherever they were. And the new, golden-haired sul'dam seemed familiar; although she also seemed a bit disheveled as if she had been on the road without stopping for a few days. Jocelyn thought she might have seen her before. Strange, she evoked memories like that dark-skinned girl. Different sorts of memories, but Jocelyn lovingly collected them and hid them away anyway. The more pieces she had the better chance she had of putting the whole puzzle together someday.

As suddenly as Jocelyn had become away of the darkness, she was aware of stepping into the bright light of midmorning in Tar Valon. This place assaulted her with memory as the new sul'dam led them into the tall, white spire and through the twists and turns of many hallways. Yet, Jocelyn's feet seemed to know the path as she followed quietly. People were staring at her, at her and the two sul'dam. At least she thought they were sul'dam. This wasn't like any damane kennel she remembered though. Strange place, all full of white and people dressed in white. Jocelyn found her little corner of her mind waking up and stretching a little as she was bombarded by all these new – Or were they old? – sights. Well, whatever they were, they were at least worth taking notice of so she perked up a little. Not too much though, mind, she wasn't looking for a beating.

The people though! They all looked at her as if they knew her, or at least as if she should know them. She was so confused that she actually retreated back within the comforting barriers of her mind once more. Here she was safe, safe from all the things that tried to hurt her otherwise. Not even the sul'dam could reach the real her when she sealed up like this. That was just the way she liked it too. Alone with bits of remembrance she began to sift through it all, placing things she had gleaned before with the new bits that had just surfaced. A flash of gold and a hem banded in seven colors went with the girls she saw dressed like that; all of them dressed exactly the same with that glint of gold coming from the same finger. These people were connected in her mind to the word accepted. Or was it Accepted, with an obvious capital? Yes, that was it, the second way with the capital letter. Come to think of it, she knew letters didn't she? She had learned them somewhere, she just couldn't quite remember where and all this remembering was taxing.

Then they came to a place with one of the girls in white sitting outside. Something about it tugged extra hard at Jocelyn's memories, but she didn't know what. The girl in white looked Jocelyn and Calia over appraisingly, taking in their dusty and travel-worn stolen apparel. "Are they new, Aes Sedai?" She asked as she stood to drop a graceful curtsey.

"No, their old," the golden-haired woman replied levelly, "and since when did novices ask questions of Aes Sedai?" The girl in all white opened her mouth, probably to apologize, but the one she called Aes Sedai cut her off. "Never mind that, child. I trust Madeline Sedai is available?" The girl nodded and jumped up quickly to tell this Madeline Sedai of her visitors. "I'm sure you understand, Calia, seeing as you've been punished more than your fair share of times, but I'll need you to stay out here." Jocelyn felt saidar being pulled through her again as the sul'dam bound the raven-haired sul'dam's hands and feet with Air and moved a chair for the girl to sit in.

"I understand, Terrian Sedai." Calia said, her head bowed. She seemed to be genuinely sorry for whatever she had done. Jocelyn was sure she knew what it was. Terrian then went into the next room and Jocelyn had to follow.

"I've brought them, Madeline." Terrian, yes that was the name that Calia had called her, said. "I found them, actually, on their way back to Tar Valon, strange as it must seem. I'm under the impression that Calia was the one who orchestrated this whole thing, seeing as poor Jocelyn here seems barely able to function on her own. She wouldn't let me remove the a'dam so I had to take control of it myself." She indicated the sliver bracelet that encircled her wrist with a seeming disgust. "I may not be a Yellow, but I'd say she's traumatized. I would have taken her directly to the Infirmary, but I thought it best to bring them both here first. Calia is waiting outside, and, well… She's different, let's put it that way. I'd not believe it myself unless I'd seen it with my own eyes." Jocelyn looked up at the golden-haired sul'dam curiously, allowing herself to wonder what was happening right now as she studied the woman. Her green eyes slowly traveled over to the other woman in the room, curiously taking in the sight as someone both new and different and yet recognized and familiar. Strange all the people she thought she remembered here but couldn’t seem to actually remember.

The other woman, the older one whom the golden-haired Terrian had called Madeline, was talking now but Jocelyn wasn’t listening to what she was saying. She was remembering something all too similar to this that had happened in all too similar an office ten years ago. She had to fight to keep the memory from sinking back into the sea of others like it, but it slowly formed in her mind. A different woman was there, but Jocelyn was there with Calia too. The woman had taken off the collar. Jocelyn still wasn't sure she liked that idea; she at least knew what would happen as long as she wore the collar. If it came off she was on her own again, and that was a frightening thought for a woman twice broken. Still, how could she know until it happened? But was she ready for it yet? That was what made a difference, and that was what decided when it was time. For now she was content to listen and wait until she was told to do otherwise.